Whoa, no. No, no, no.
It just hit me, really, what I’d been thinking of doing tonight. Of hurting myself again, after 4 years of not.
So casually did the thought come and then linger. Just for a few hours before realization dawned. Driving home, suddenly just *knowing* that if I were to do something – pull a blade across my arm or my leg, smash my hand in a drawer or against the corner of a table – it wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Am I kidding myself? It would be a big deal. It would be a bad thing. I’m not who I was all those years ago. I can’t just let myself slip after so long. But it shocks me how easily I fell back into that pattern of thought.
Please don’t indulge those impulses. From me, now, to me at any time in the future: do not hurt yourself again. No more cuts, bruises, nerve damage, burns. You beat it. You are on the other side. Please keep it up.
I love you.