I don’t hate you.
I hate the way you make me feel. I feel crazy because I actually feel. I feel stupid for liking you. I feel stupid for telling you things. I feel stupid for not seeing you slip. I feel stupid for getting emotionally attached. I feel stupid for being so sad that you’re not around. I feel stupid for missing you. I feel stupid for not being able to look at you in the eyes.
But most of all I feel sad.
Sad that at one point of time you felt the same war. Sad that something changed. Sad that I am not enough, that something is wrong with me. Sad that I lost my best friend.
I lived 24 years without you. Why after 3 months do I feel like sometimes I can’t go on without you. How did I get do attached so quickly? You made it seem like I was important to you. Like you saw me the way I still see you. And then the rug got ripped out from right under me.
I am left with nothing but memories of what used to be.
I knew what I was doing. I knew I was crossing boundaries. I knew I couldn’t be your friend. I knew it was going to end in a bang. I just didn’t know I’d be stuck w these feelings.
If I knew better then why did I keep going on? Because…
I liked you- I still like you. You gave me that love when I didn’t love myself. You listened to me. We had fun. I found someone I could trust.
I have no reason why I am the way I am. I had people love me before. Sure they left but no one can be in my life forever. So I kept my guard up. And you saw right past that. And then you left. You hurt me when you promised you never would.
And now you won’t even argue with me. I’m not arguing for to you. I’m not enough for you.
What don’t I have that you want?
I don’t want to be in the same room as you. I don’t want you to come to my meetings. I don’t want to see or hear you. But it’s not because I hate you. It’s because I hate myself.
You are a constant reminder of what I lost.
I can’t be your friend. And that sucks. Because I want more. And if there’s any hope of waiting, I will. It’s not fair to you or me to chase an impossible dream. I can’t be there for you. And it kills me. Because I would do anything for you. But that’s a one way road now. Why am I the one who’s attached! Why can’t I let it go?
I will move on. I don’t have another option.
I’d like to say this wont impact future relationships but that’s not true. I am done being hurt like this. Because I’m in so much pain.
Maybe ill give this to you. Maybe ill just keep this to look back and learn from. But right now I am so sad and I don’t know what to do.
So no, I don’t hate you. I hate myself.
I don’t hate you.