• She told me I hated her

    by  • August 10, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 6 Comments

    I don’t hate you.
    I hate the way you make me feel. I feel crazy because I actually feel. I feel stupid for liking you. I feel stupid for telling you things. I feel stupid for not seeing you slip. I feel stupid for getting emotionally attached. I feel stupid for being so sad that you’re not around. I feel stupid for missing you. I feel stupid for not being able to look at you in the eyes.
    But most of all I feel sad.
    Sad that at one point of time you felt the same war. Sad that something changed. Sad that I am not enough, that something is wrong with me. Sad that I lost my best friend.
    I lived 24 years without you. Why after 3 months do I feel like sometimes I can’t go on without you. How did I get do attached so quickly? You made it seem like I was important to you. Like you saw me the way I still see you. And then the rug got ripped out from right under me.
    I am left with nothing but memories of what used to be.
    I knew what I was doing. I knew I was crossing boundaries. I knew I couldn’t be your friend. I knew it was going to end in a bang. I just didn’t know I’d be stuck w these feelings.
    If I knew better then why did I keep going on? Because…
    I liked you- I still like you. You gave me that love when I didn’t love myself. You listened to me. We had fun. I found someone I could trust.
    I have no reason why I am the way I am. I had people love me before. Sure they left but no one can be in my life forever. So I kept my guard up. And you saw right past that. And then you left. You hurt me when you promised you never would.
    And now you won’t even argue with me. I’m not arguing for to you. I’m not enough for you.
    What don’t I have that you want?
    I don’t want to be in the same room as you. I don’t want you to come to my meetings. I don’t want to see or hear you. But it’s not because I hate you. It’s because I hate myself.
    You are a constant reminder of what I lost.
    I can’t be your friend. And that sucks. Because I want more. And if there’s any hope of waiting, I will. It’s not fair to you or me to chase an impossible dream. I can’t be there for you. And it kills me. Because I would do anything for you. But that’s a one way road now. Why am I the one who’s attached! Why can’t I let it go?
    I will move on. I don’t have another option.
    I’d like to say this wont impact future relationships but that’s not true. I am done being hurt like this. Because I’m in so much pain.
    Maybe ill give this to you. Maybe ill just keep this to look back and learn from. But right now I am so sad and I don’t know what to do.
    So no, I don’t hate you. I hate myself.

    6 Responses to She told me I hated her

    1. Bookworm
      August 10, 2013 at 1:58 pm

      Your feelings are perfectly within the normal range and appropriate for someone who has
      dealt with the disorder.

      Please, I urge you to read the book HIMILWAN.

      You are perfectly normal and experiencing the same symptoms as nearly everyone who
      has come before you and after you.

      Take 100 guys, dealing with 100 women who do life this way.

      I promise you 95 are feeling the same. And those 95 will be able to recite precisely what happened
      which will be the *same thing* that the other 94 experienced.

      Bottom line, they are all the same as though they were made at the same factory in Ohio.
      It’s almost a freak of nature type thing. Literally, they are all cookie cutter, carbon copies, exact replicas
      of each other. That in itself is mind blowing.

      There’s only one possible solution:
      5 years. Heavy talk therapy [[weekly]] with someone at least state renowned and published in a medical journal.

      It will take no less than 7 years, but it would be possible to live life normal in probably 5.

      There’s a guy in CA that could fix this in two. It will cost you $30,000 to $50,000.

      Without this intervention, God himself can’t help you.

      Please UNDERSTAND.
      I’m giving SOLUTIONS here. It’s imperative that my intent is seen as an advocate for everyone involved.

    2. Bookworm
      August 10, 2013 at 2:06 pm

      Red Pen that—
      “…would be possible to live life normal in probably 5. ”
      should be revised to” live a normal life in no less than 3.5 to 4.years.”

      The time figure is dependent upon the skill level of the practitioner

      (meant to type 4 originally)

    3. The Author
      August 10, 2013 at 11:08 pm

      I don’t have any expectations for you anymore. And I had a good day without you. I bought the fish we were going to get together. And for the first time in a while I got to see my friends and vent to them about you. How there was a glimmer of hope yesterday because you made sure I was okay bc I missed work. I was sick. Sick of how I felt about you. If only I didn’t have to see you everyday for 8 hours.
      Tonight never ended. I thought of going back out. Of how I could take away this pain- even if it was only for a few hours. But I don’t want to stoop to your level and give you that satisfaction that you were so important to me that you drove me to the bottle.
      Instead I went swimming in the ocean with a bunch of strangers that I opened up to about us. I felt a little stupid telling about my pain but I replaced the memory of us in the ocean with a better one.
      You don’t have enough power to ruin my love for the sea. My safe place.
      I missed you today. But it’s getting better. Someone else is taking space in your head instead of me. And it hurts me. But there is a reason for everything. And despite feeling like I’m not worthy enough for you I am beginning to believe that I accept only the love I think I deserve.
      You are a teacher. You helped me learn about myself. My problems but how caring I can be. And how I can get through these trials without giving you the upper hand.
      I’m starting to be grateful you left.

    4. #
      August 12, 2013 at 11:43 pm

      Do you feel stupid because (you think) she doesn’t love you anymore? I hate being stuck with feelings after the person has moved on too. There should be an agreement made before people get involved. It might stop rebounds.

    5. Confused I Am To Say The Least
      August 13, 2013 at 9:01 am

      WOW this man is so confused by all what has been said, coming from a man who has a brain:)

      That must hurt dear author to say what you just said as I know too how it feels as I still more than like her yet it isn’t to be for me either. I wish it wasn’t so. Just to have her as a friend, a real friend as that is how much she had an effect on me. And to think I threw that back in her face back then. Hindsight is a curse as well as a learning curve. I hope it works out for in a way that is positive for you.

    6. @author
      August 15, 2013 at 3:02 am

      My heart can only but bleed even more after reading this dear author as she has such an affinity with the ocean. Are you in Perth?

      I was a man who taught her to open her heart which had been hurt before so many times. I never wanted to throw that offer of friendship you offered after we were separated for those months. I was too in so much pain. I wish I took you outstretched hand as I miss you so much. I now realise even before love people must be best of friends for love to grow.

      I ask you if you will can we walk together as friends once more for that is all I dream about for you had such a profound effect on me as you are beautiful mind body and soul.


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