I cannot believe you are gone. It’s been a few months now. First, I smile, then I shake my head when I think of you. You can no longer laugh, smile, hug, breathe, taste, listen to 60’s music, or see things that light up your face anymore. I hate this!
The thing I have feared the most through my entire life has happened. Prayers were futile. You no longer exist. God is a useless concept. I haven’t been able to pray since the call. I no longer care about bible studies and prayer circles and anointing oils and prayer beads or potluck suppers or visiting the sick in the community. You probably would pull me aside for a tersely whispered lecture about that.
I know it’s selfish to say this, but, why couldn’t it have been someone else? So many others deserve to die. Why didn’t you survive this? I know you fought it though. How can one of us be gone?
You are…were…such a good person. I can never live up to the person you were. I would have gone in your place. You are still needed by so many. I thought we had more time. Im sorry I did not call more. I was stupidly stuck in my own issues.
I don’t know how to be without you. I have always known you were my anchor and I am ok no matter where I am because you are. I realize now, I defined myself by you. We are…I am… disoriented without you. Who am I now?