We spoke this morning, for an hour. I felt guilty for keeping you so long, but in fact you seemed quite ok about it. You’re such a long way away, and I miss you so much today my heart hurts. It aches, it feels weak and sick. I feel sad, I feel so lonely and funny thing is – you’re just my friend.
I had these reeling thoughts about what might happen (working together) that you would be really successful, I’d be so happy for you, but I would’t be able to show you just HOW happy, I’d take myself off and cry a mixture of sad and happy tears. Happy for your success, sad I can’t kiss you and tell you how much I love you.
I keep saying to myself, “this feeling will pass. These deep emotions will fade. Things will be alright, this won’t define you or ruin your friendship.”
My brain is saying these things on repeat, and my heart is saying how much I love you… repeatedly!
I’m sorry I feel this way, I guess you must somehow sense it. You placate me, calm me, cox me and comfort me, but you do it so expertly and sensitively, you must KNOW that secretly I’m in Love with you and have been for a very very long time.
I sometimes then wonder, do you kinda love me back? The fact that you put up with it? The fact you shield me from myself, and take care of everything else for me. I don’t know. But today has been especially hard. I’m sure we have another phone meeting in a few hours, more texts, more emails, same as every day, but…. This evenings will be hard. I know that we won’t be together. Not as a couple, not unless YOU decide its what you want. And I think you have this perfect woman in your mind- this goddess- and I’m not her. I daydream that one day, in your strong, quiet, silent way, you’ll take me by the arms, and kiss me so hard and I’ll know you mean it. I daydream that you won’t be able to keep it in any longer, that you’ll spill a fast and garbled confession on the spot that you love me, and you’re sorry it took you so long to realise it.
And then I realise thats never going to happen. So for now, you and I carry on being close friends, who work together, support each other, share and help each other every single day… and I love you from a distance. I’m sorry.