I felt sad when you decided not to speak to me and we couldn’t have a friendship.
You once meant so much to me.
Now that is all spoiled – even as a friendship.
I don’t believe any of it can be mended between us now … even as friends and definitely not as anything else (that has now faded into the past as a sadness and regret).
*Someone* tried to sabotage my relationship with M through online malicious interference. I don’t know for sure who that could be and don’t have the skills or tools to tell. But I have suspicions and ill-feelings about this.
You have four precious kids who need parents (in whatever formation that is best for them – together or apart – but what is best for them – they are innocents even though growing up and/or grown up).
I have heard a couple of loud rows outside your house recently. I have no desire to know nor interfere in stuff … but in a quiet place when you hear stuff at night – I cannot help but feel concerned for disharmony that seems so out of place and so wrong.
Look after your kids and your wife whether it be together or apart … in the best way that you can. And if you can’t, find a way to learn. If you are not happy, then you need to invest in some new mechanisms for your family’s well-being and for yours.
Yes – I am totally lecturing. I feel inclined to say “sorry” – but what for? …. sorry because you cause me alarm and fear? sorry because you are not able to make your family situation better? sorry because you are in denial and won’t face working on things for your family’s happiness and make difficult decisions or compromises? None of that is my responsibility at all (except from protecting myself from my own fears and concerns.).
My responsibilities are my kids and their well-being. Ensuring they have a fit and happy mother. Ensuring that I have some peace and happiness with life so that I can provide and invest in their growth and development. They mean everything to me and so I only have room for inviting and welcoming in positive forces into my life and their’s.
My advice to you: get positive! Work on yourself to provide the love and security that your family need. Find positive ways to feel happy rather than dwelling on escape routes and feeling trapped. You chose to have them, but they did not choose to have you. So wise up and refocus. Give time to yourself by all means, but do so in a way that is positive and beneficial to both you and your kids. Show them a Dad with purpose, interest and beliefs worth discussing, or you will regret it and grow bitter and that serves no-one. It is not always easy to decide to learn/re-learn or invest in learning something difficult and uncomfortable. But, if you don’t, you could well ruin your own life as well as your children’s and they do not deserve that because of your unhappiness. Do they?
Don’t respond to this message. I have no interest. I thought and hoped by moving on I could make a peace with my guilt for making such an error of once having a relationship with a married man at the most low and vulnerable point of my life. I have moved on. M is fantastic, and I worry every day that I might fuck-it-up or not be good enough, despite his caring, grounded and generous nature. So I’m always trying to work well and get it right with him because it is something that works and has a harmony and balance. He is good for me and is good to me ( and I hope I am good for him).
Whatever was … please leave it all be. I know we haven’t talked in a long while … but please leave it all be …. there is nothing to pick up. Nothing at all. Ever.