• It isn’t the loneliness, it’s the emptiness.

    by  • August 7, 2013 • Letting Go • 0 Comments

    Twelve years ago, when I first had the pleasure of meeting you in our math class, I knew after fifteen minutes that you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one who I would do everything I could, in any obstacle or miracle, to put a smile on your face. I wanted to spin the earth the wrong way, flip the poles, dry the oceans, just to hear your voice and that laugh of yours. From that fifteen minutes, you were my best friend. The one person that I had a connection with, the one person I could trust to talk to, without shame, without guilt, without my unrelenting phobia of being judged by someone. I shared things with you that to this day I have never shared with anyone else. And I also didn’t share a lot of things with you, even after all this time. I never let you know how much I cared for you, even after all those years…I let you move on with your life, let you do your thing, while I hung back and did mine, regretting every minute of not telling you about how I felt. And then there it was, ten years later. I had my career planned out, although I was at the worst mentally that I had ever been. You had your family started, you moved on from me, we lost contact. And then you lost him. You lost the person you started your family with. A dear friend of mine, someone who even though I wish was me, I had the utmost respect for. Someone I would have done anything for, because he was there for you. And you lost him…tragically. I was with you guys that night, I promised him that I would take care of you and get you home safe, which I did. Never realizing that I should have stayed and taken care of him. When the cops woke me up at your place that morning with the news of his death, my insides screamed. Seeing your expression and the pain, the feeling of guilt that I have carried ever since that morning, has not receded the slightest. I know what you lost that day. But then, time passed…and somehow, someway, after everything that we have went through, you decided on me. You gave me that chance that I had never asked for, and honestly one that I had given up on. I knew the complications of it, I knew the dangers. But I also believed in fate. I saw you happy again, I got that smile back on your face. Fuck, we did so good together. If you only knew what you saved me from. I lost the shell that I built up from everyone else, I began trusting again. I found love. I loved you with every beat of my heart. I gave you so many chances to back out, to leave, to tell me that you weren’t alright. Not just for you, but for me. I knew what would happen if things didn’t work out. For either one of us. But I also made him a promise, my last words standing over his casket (which I never told you this) was “Don’t worry Mike, I promise you I will do everything I can to take care of her”. And you know what? I broke that promise. I didn’t take care of you. You broke my heart, you threw me aside, you made me lose the one person in the world that I trusted. You knew the shit I grew up through. The abuse, the mental and physical beatings I took. You knew the lying and manipulation I was forced to struggle with. You knew me watching my younger brothers deal with the same bullshit that I dealt with tore me apart. You have no idea how bad it fucking hurt me inside sitting outside my brothers room listening to him cry himself to sleep, sitting there wishing I could do something. Then knocking on his door and watching him instantly toughen up like nothing was bothering him. Not wanting to show his big brother, the person he looks up to, that he was hurting. But he didn’t understand, that I know all to well how much I know about the way he felt. And that’s something I wish I could change now, something I wish I could do…but even with the people closest to me, the ones I love, I still can’t bring myself to show them anything other than the calloused fake me. The shell I have built back up. You never knew what you did for me, even after I poured my heart and soul out to you, begging you to stay, to listen, to help me, you only went for yourself. Then you want to get mad at me for not wanting to be friends? How could I? Everything that I had managed to push through, to deal with, to cope and understand, was gone. All from that letter. It’s been six months since I have seen you, I have ignored your calls just because I can’t bear to hear your voice again. The best dreams of my life have turned to my worst nightmares. The light at the end of the tunnel, turned out to be a brick wall. Mocking me, mocking the sick and twisted path that fate has chosen for me. I know I’m not perfect, I stressed so many times that I have so many issues that four therapists couldn’t even begin to figure out where to start. I am a mental wreck that has started functioning on alcohol and jokes just to keep myself off that edge that I am slowly crawling closer to everyday. The same point that you rescued me from…even now as there is eleven 180 grain .40 cal jacketed hollow points resting in the magazine on my waist, for protection, I have realized I don’t need protection against someone else, I need it from myself. It isn’t the loneliness that kills me inside, its the emptiness…You know before we got together, I honestly don’t know if I ever knew what happiness felt like? I can’t recall a single moment in my 24 years of life, that I sat there and thought “Wow, so this is what being happy is…”. Until we were together, when you promised me you would always be there for me. When you gave me a shoulder to lean on. When you just sat beside me in silence and took my hand in yours because even without me saying anything, you could see how much I was hurting, and how much I needed you. That was my happy. Happy to me, was having someone there to just not even talk or listen, but to be there and understand. Someone who would send me a text for when I woke up, telling me how much they loved me. Someone who would call me before they went into work, even though they were already running late, just to tell me they missed me and loved me. Someone who would keep me up all night making me laugh and forget about the terrible life I have lived, while 300 miles away from home working. Someone that was just there when I needed them. And it was you, you did all of that. You were everything I ever wanted. You were the only thing I ever wanted. But its gone…and I am empty. I have been for months now. When you texted me a couple weeks ago saying how you went to the hospital for emergency surgery, I cried for you. I prayed for you, and I still do. I wish you the best of luck, I hope you and the kids get what you all deserve. I hope you are truly happy in the end. I know I was selfish for being so irate and so upset when you realized you couldn’t be us anymore. I know that you have so much on your plate with losing Mike. I know this. And I feel like shit for feeling the way I do. But you never took the time to understand what it did to me, and I think that is what hurts me the most out of it all. Sure, maybe I’ll be alright one day. But that day isn’t soon. I have done a lot of things that I regret lately, but honestly I don’t care anymore. I have slipped past the point of wanting to try and be here, I’m just on cruise control until that day comes where I decide to check out in my own style. Again, selfish…I know there are people that love me, and look up to me, and yea I know I have an illness that doesn’t have to be permanent. I just never asked for any of this to begin with. I have already arranged my ways of telling everyone how I feel. That isn’t here nor now though, so I won’t get into that. I just wanted to say how much I loved you, how much you meant to me, and I wanted to thank you for that brief time of solace and peace that you brought to me. I will never forget that. I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself for not going with my gut feeling about all of it. I can’t possibly begin to blame you for what happened. It just is what it is. So, for everything I am sorry. I wish you the best of luck with your life. I however will never let someone wipe my ass, or be stuck with having someone take care of me. I’ve made the best of what I had, I have overcome things I never thought possible, I have met and fulfilled my goals, and I’m bored now… So to you, MDW, cheers. I’ll leave you for the last time with my favorite saying before a shot and a beer (even though none of you have ever really known the truth of the matter when I say them) Tomorrow Is Never Promised, But Tonight Is A Good Time. And then to all of you who for whatever reason decided to read this, I leave you all with some words of a genius. “A Man Who Procrastinates In His Choosing Will Inevitably Have His Choice Made For Him By Circumstance.” Hunter S. Thompson

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