I am confused and conflicted.
I thouht you loved me. Or did i confuse myself. (were my heart and insticts wrong?) If you loved me nothing would matter. It wouldnt matter if it was ‘ethical’ or not. The outside world will not strive to please us and do not care if you are happy so why try to please it? We are responsible for our own happiness. Besides people will always speak negative if you dont live up to their expectations. The stigma will go away but the regret and pain probably won’t.
I rather walk down the aisle to meet your greying, middle aged self than 25 year old leonardo dicaprio. I love you, that’s all that matters. I love when your hair is a mess and your facial hair over grows. And even when you’ve worked long hours and have dark circles. I love that you are so hard working and committed to your job…maybe if you weren’t things would have been different.
I love your laugh, your smile, your voice, you pulse fluttering stare, your everything. Enough to disappoint my parents for. Enough to be called completely insane by the whole world for.
At thins point, I don’t know if i should let it go or give it time. I am hesitant to call or write you. I feel totally pathetic. I just cant share this with anyone because they either 1) all think im crazy 2) Don’t understand or 3) tired of hearing me blab about you. I want to wait for you but how can i if im not even sure of your motives and feelings. I want to hear you say it, even though you show it. I just want to know. You were my soul mate. From the first moment you looked into my eyes I got butterflies without even knowing you. Two years later, miles a apart its even stronger. We are only cities a part. Maybe we even cross paths without knowing.
I feel incomplete.