I am dysfunctional.
I constantly feel this void inside of me.
Even when i’m genuinely feeling happy there is always this part of me that is collapsing. There is always a part of me that is drowning and i’m so tired of it. Last night, i broke down. I don’t know if it has to do with the new semester being around the corner or what but i hadn’t cried like that in a long time. This morning i felt dead. I feel empty and out of breath.
I’m sick of this. Am i doomed to have depression stitched on my forehead for life? I just want to be happy and I thought I had found what makes me happy but I couldn’t even hold a conversation with him yesterday. I just wanted to go to bed and be alone. I thought this summer was the highlight of my life but the glory of it is slowly fading. I’m slowly seeping back into where I thought I had left.
I’m starting to pull away again and she can feel it. She always knows when something is wrong and it annoys me. She lectured me yesterday. She said mom was oblivious to my behavior but she sure wasn’t. I want to tell her i’m okay, i want to tell her that nothing is wrong and i want to believe it too.
I used to think I knew why I felt this way but now i’m not so sure.