• You meant the world to me.

    by  • August 5, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Parents • 1 Comment

    Dad,

    Two months ago, you got married to Serenity. I’m happy for you, I really am. But two months ago I also realized how hurt I was at what you did. When you first got engaged, Serenity asked me to be a bridesmaid. I replied that I would like to, but I was unsure if I would be able to. I had to go to my internship, and I didn’t know if I could get away. The moment I got notice from the offer the center made to me for the internship, I automatically asked if I could leave for that Saturday to see your wedding. I told you I was able to come.

    Then you told me that you didn’t need me to be in the wedding anymore. That you cut back on the wedding party. I understand your reasoning, I really do. But you made my brother your best man. Her oldest daughter was her maid of honor, and the youngest, the flower girl. Me? I wasn’t anything.

    Do you know how upset I was? I sat up front at your wedding, taking care to change and play the music at the right times. Her FAMILY pointed at me, asking who I WAS and why I sat up front. You took your wedding pictures and Nathan was in MOST of them because he was the best man. But me, I was in three. Her parents were confused as to whether or not I was supposed to be in the pictures because they weren’t clear on whether or not I was actually in the wedding party. I was the only one not wearing a matching dress to the other girls. I looked out of place and I most CERTAINLY felt out of place. I walked away from the reception before anyone could catch me crying. I went into the garden behind the camp and called my mom. My REAL mom.

    Never have I ever wanted so badly to go crying to my mom and stepdad like a hurt child.

    The only reason I ended up signing as a witness to your marriage is because NATHAN SUGGESTED IT. Nathan was the only one who cared to notice how upset I was. He saw me leave, and he knew I was gone for like an hour. He was the one who came and got me from the garden. Otherwise, he would have been a witness. Nathan and your side of the family are the only reason I stayed sane at that stupid wedding.

    I’m never accepting she and her family as my family. She is anything but my mother. She, unlike my stepdad, DIDN’T RAISE ME. I didn’t grow up with her children like I did Sean and Kevin. They’re only people I know, related to one of my relatives. My dad and his wife. That’s what you two are.

    I really feel like you’ve forgotten about me. Like you have forgotten that I’m your first child, and you don’t even care. Nathan this, Nathan that. You two are a lot alike. I’m not always like you. Sometimes I’m like mom. Is that such a bad thing? Every time we see each other now, you and Nathan bond more than you and I.

    Two and a half years ago you moved away. Two and a half years ago I felt like I would never see you again. Two years ago, when you started dating Serenity, I felt like you went out of your way to see her more than your own children. You drove from Indiana to Ohio to put together a playset for her 10 year old daughter. You saw her and her daughters every weekend. And us? You couldn’t drive to Illinois and you hadn’t seen us for at least 9 months. I really only get to see you once a year, and I never even hear from you. I try calling when I can, but you never call. You used to always call.

    I defended you over and over again. Every time someone spoke poorly of you, I always stood up for you. We used to have fun together. Nana told me that I was always your favorite, but it honestly has no meaning to me. Because it certainly doesn’t seem like I ever cross your mind at all.

    If I would have known that my growing up meant drifting apart from my own father, I would rather have failed everything I did so I couldn’t grow up so quickly.

    One day I’m going to tell you all of this, and I want to be able to not cry while I let you know that you hurt me so much when you meant the world to me.

    I know you didn’t mean to, but it hurts too much. Is it so bad that I wish things could be like they used to be?

    Love,
    Your [only] daughter

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    One Response to You meant the world to me.

    1. Cat
      August 6, 2013 at 9:05 am

      You should send this to him. I know what it’s like. I didn’t talk to my dad for a whole three years, maybe even a little more. Now that i finally have we’re slowly building up our relationship again. It hurts a lot, it really does. He ignored me for three years and when i finally reunited with him he told me he never stopped thinking about me everyday. How do you know your dad doesn’t feel the same? What he projects towards you doesn’t necessarily mean that’s how he feels inside. You should tell him even if it makes you cry.

      I really hope you get the father you miss in the end. It such a shitty feeling to feel unloved and i wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
      Good luck.




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