tonight i finally cried. i was too confused for some time to do so.
my friends over here, they see i am so hurt. they urge me to go back to the states to see you because it was so sudden. maybe i will cut my holiday short and do so if only for a day. i miss that sweet face.
it was odd how things did occur. the last time i cried about us were just a few days before you got mad. we too have women intuition; i think better than american women. maybe i knew something was about to happen. yes. i will be honest. i did feel something deep in my senses. it took me off guard as you say. somehow i felt you didn’t love me like you did.
it confused me, because i was enjoying the outdoor breeze and all of a sudden i cried about us. that was the last time, until today.
i read where if you put your feelings down in writing they may go away.
i cried for a few reasons:
1. we were so innocent. i have never told you this. it was very precious to me because it was different. old fashioned i think they call it there.
2. i look for signs as i know you can’t reach me here. i’m too afraid to respond as my ego is so hurt. no, that is not it exactly. i’m afraid that some sweet things are for me, and i see others that look like they are for me, but those are filled with such anger that i dare not look any further. in some ways i’m afraid of both. Katarina told me about you seeing that other woman. that’s why i left early. it was too painful to possibly see you with her. my imagination takes the best of me when i think of you with another woman. i wished for marriage one day. oh my god, how i could never say that, but i did.
3. i cried because i think that you love her more than you did for me, and that would make it impossible for me to ever match that. so i know it’s over, because it would always be in the back of my mind. if have read where people get married to their second choice, but that i could not bear. i am not that strong. when one falls for a man like i did for you and like i was sure you had for me, it is a blend of such vulnerability and trust. it is the trust part that makes the love come alive. that you can be so open emotionally, which allows for the love to be passed from one heart to the next. you just feel like the last thing that will happen, is what . well, that they would leave you overnight. but it happened like that. i hope i have the strength to forgive you, because i know i must before i can move on.
4. you may think i’m over here partying till the sun rises, and forgetting you. when i do go out, the men, they must see the sadness on my face. i would be to embarrassed to tell you how many come to me and say i should smile. had i not loved you so much, i could have danced with many. but i am incapable of anything more than a conversation. and some do cheer me up, but i know if i were to be with them, i would start to cry. i did that once when i first came to the states. i have been afraid of it ever since. this is why i was so cautious with you at first.
5.maybe the reason i cried the most, besides the dreadful fear i have to even think of starting with someone but you, is one in the same.
i fear i will mistrust. it quickly went through my mind about someone i might meet, and when the moments of trust come up, how will i handle them? will i appear as a crazy woman if i ask or doubt them? will i push them away? will i make them work so hard they will throw up their hands? will i even cry, knowing that i never wanted to love another man? will i make it without you? will i come close like we were and then all of a sudden, i get scared and so something that scares them off?
this is why i’m mad at you trenton. why it may be a long time, maybe never, than i can speak with you again. i do not want to hate you as it will only make me unable to heal. your dr.phil says so in his books. i read one on the airplane.
i just needed to get this off of my chest. i wish to my God that i could just go forget about everything we had and held dear to our hearts. know i did. i will never know if you really did or not.
i am prepared to live with that. maybe that is why i cried?
to the good man i knew, to the one i didn’t.
i loved you so much.