• My Fiancee: Loved her to the Moon…and Duped

    by  • August 1, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 3 Comments

    I have fought so hard to not hate her, as I thought we were best friends.
    As in the closest I have ever been to a human being in my life.
    This is no exaggeration. Take closest prior and times it by 5. That’s where I was at, that’s where she was at. Or at least said it convincingly

    18 months vanished when I asked her 3 questions about her ‘ex’
    She had a habit of lying, and over months, so many stories changed.
    But we had made great strides in communication, even though I decided to say “heck with it” when the answers sounded suspicious.

    She had a deep need to be independent and I tried very hard to meet that need. Yes, I think in some ways it was a character flaw of mine to allow her to ‘slip through’ many issues, again, to not ever be controlling.

    I am so adverse to conflict it’s not even funny. I virtually run from it; i HATE it that much. I once spent a year immersed in the Bible, philosophy, psychology and tying all of them together, after my mother died. I took a long look at many things, and one outcome was to use a more Bible influenced definition of Love. I was patient like I have never been in my life. That will change in the future. It may emerge again, if I ever say “I Do.” Then and only then, will I feel safe enough to pour on the love and everything that goes with it, as I did with my former sweetpea. Don’t beat me up too badly, I thought she deserved this kind of respect. She called ‘Her Rock’

    But this girl poured on the love like warm Vermont syrup on a perfectly buttered (up) waffle. And I returned I believe, in a double scoop.
    I had told her that she truly lives in my heart (I don’t know how many have ever experienced that sensation, but it was the first time for me.

    I recently had said (maybe a month ago tops) that I had never used the word ‘soul-mate’ as there seemed something odd about it to me. I can’t explain it, nor do I believe there is some unlimited supply of loves. Frankly, I believe I’ve cashed in all my chips. Until I met her.
    She would swoon when i said said “You’re my last love” It was nearly our slogan; our credo.
    So I was explaining the soul-mate belief, but moving towards saying “If I have held a counter belief….” and her text came back “You’re my soul-mate.” I was stunned, even with the thousands of different variations we used on how much we loved each other. I couldn’t hardly text back, it was that moving.

    But we had one more hurdle, and my gut was telling me there was someone hidden in the background. Oh my God, how she would go through the roof if I ever questioned her. I only did because the stories kept changing. Things weren’t adding up.

    It’s disappointing to learn that she had been pursuing an ex for months, possibly even a year, all while pouring on this amazing amount of love. I feel very betrayed, and have learned she ‘bad mouthed’ me to some of her closer friends. She always had a way of twisting everything in any ‘debate’ to where the outcome, was twice that in her mind, than what was just said. she complained about everyone and I could just imagine how she may have painted me, if she was setting this up to fail, eventually. She was brilliant in that regard; I’ve seen the type before. The same technique is always used, as though it was cookie cutter variety. It’s true. Maybe some can relate. But that’s so unfair and untrue, because any contention we ever had, was a result of what in the end, appear to have been my fears; that my gut instinct was right all along.

    The lying. I just couldn’t take it. We had to get past it, and i had a plan that I had worked on for a month. i just never had a chance to use it. It was the ‘Save Face, I love you, I’d rather hear the worst news possible, but just tell me the truth’ plan. I worked my ass off on it in my mind, until I felt comfortable enough to deliver it with enough safety that would make it “ok to open up.”

    I was never leaving this girl, ever ever ever, if we could accomplish this final step. Hell yeah, i loved he more than any woman. My doubts about the whole thing will follow. Now? I DID…Currently, I’m doubting much of this ‘love shower’ I got on a daily basis. It breaks my heart to doubt her or to come to grips with the fact I was just her ‘rock’ only until her timing was right, with Mr Right.

    Now I battle the choice between anger and hating her for leading me on, when she was obviously telling another the same things she was telling me…or trying to work through it and remember the good parts of her. My fear was that those were all an ‘act.’ It was a performance worthy of an Academy Award, because I literally watched her have this emotional affair….and said nothing for months.

    When I did, I never heard from her again. 3 questions.
    Those told me everything.

    Trust your gut people. God implanted in in your emotional body to warn you of danger. It never fails.

    If anyone has had a similar experience and found the best way to mentally move forward and regain your wholeness, after such a lengthy period of being betrayed, I would be most appreciative.
    Ooops. This is supposed to be to the ethers of the universe..where they never read it. Well, it did help to get it off my chest.

    I wish she would, because after i texted her saying, “I don’t believe you intend to ever call back, so I will make the necessary preparations.” The kind you make when someone dies.
    I suppose we can call it “A Funeral for a Friend” ~Elton John

    Epilogue:
    She just disappeared. Vanished. I called and in a sense begged her to at least give this last 18 months some proper respect, for closure and maybe honor reasons. I knew it was over. The lies she gave to the 3 questions, sealed it. But with me, I never say “I Love you” or “Marry Me” without it becoming sacred. Nope. She wouldn’t do it. I did fire off a pretty nasty text as a goodbye, due to her lack of respect for our time together.

    Oh, am I MAD at myself ! Livid. That’s my biggest hurdle.

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    3 Responses to My Fiancee: Loved her to the Moon…and Duped

    1. Been There
      August 1, 2013 at 11:45 am

      Ok. I have had a very very similar experience. It went on for years. When I finally figured everything out I felt like an idiot. I was ashamed and thought I was stupid. Oh I was partially to blame in that I argued sometimes and wasn’t the best girlfriend always but one thing I was was loyal to them. To a severe fault. You see there are people like us. They can be called “fixers”, co-dependent, or whatever. And what you need to understand is that some people are really drawn to people like us. We fulfill their needs (whatever that is based on the individual). For me personally I was called their “soulmate” but they aren’t capable of truly loving. They are selfish. Do you know what I mean? Maybe like me you’ve scoured the internet for “answers” to why or how could a person do that to you…

      They did it because you let them. They have a very insidious way of turning things around so you question yourself and them. And then you feel ashamed for thinking those bad thoughts about them. It’s a mindgame that is literally crazymaking. What has helped me was to first realize I may have made mistakes, but I did my best. The next step was to forgive myself and realize that I don’t necessarily have to ever forgive them to be a better person. Then I had to really identify what happened and what inside myself let it happen. The most important thing I learned is to never, and I mean never let that person back into your life. Some people like that just go from relationship to relationship and when they “come to their senses”, they might seek you out again. It’s all bull.

      It may take a long long time to not let it affect another relationship of yours. I can’t promise you it won’t but I hope you heal enough to possibly let the right person in when you are ready. You will go through phases. Crazy phases where you might hate them/love them, etc until you just don’t feel anything for them. The trick is to become numb to them after you’ve let yourself feel EVERYTHING and not let yourself become numb to love in general.

      They did you a favor can’t you see? You are being saved from a fake relationship; from someone who didn’t appreciate what you gave them. Concentrate on you and if you give it some time and distance yourself from self-defeating behaviors (like over-analyzing, or why why whying) you might just have a new perspective on things. Good luck.




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    2. Na
      August 1, 2013 at 12:40 pm

      Hi there..
      I know it will sound cliche if i say ‘I’ve been there. I know how you feel.” Anyway, I still want to say that you are not the only one who experienced the same thing. Fortunately, my partner left me fast (we were close friends back at high school, met again after 7 years, taken everything from me, and after 1 month…tadaaa gone..maybe with another girl), so it gave me chance to cry over it quicker.
      I am not good at giving advice.. but as my experience taught me, I should see the world from other perspective. I gave up looking for ‘soulmate’, and decided to share my love more to those who need it. Believe it or not, time will heal (you wont forget her, but YES one day you will forgive her), when you least expect it, the real love will come to you.
      When my Dad passed away all of sudden, I just realize how short life could be, and regret all the time I spent to cry and broken hearted. There’s no need to find someone perfect, all you need to do is just be ready to be someone’s Mr. Right.

      Cheer up ^^




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    3. blue
      August 2, 2013 at 1:57 am

      Her name wasn’t Roxanne was it lol




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