As this man like so many others in life made mistakes that we will always remember for losing a woman like no other…
I say this you all have some truths to what you say I feel as I’ve only become recently “Christened” & am quite proud of it in fact! & not just so I am one day when I’m ready & completely whole again to give my love again as its harder than ppl think to truly, utterly & in its entirety to love oneself. No one knows of my dilemma bar her as she correctly pointed out to me as I did drain her loving tanks which she gave ever so freely till I sucked them dry by my own thoughtless actions. It’s taken me to be at my ;lowest point in my life at the start of the year when we lost each other & I can say honestly it’s a wake up call I needed.
I’ve grown o so much to which I’ve only accomplished all of this because I did something about it for the first time so I never go round in circles ever again…EVER! It took the loss of the greatest woman I’ve ever met who I love still whatever she maybe, alive & well, happy again like when we first met & not what I helped her become?, for all that she is & represents as her heart & mind is way more beautiful than her exterior which I will admit is pretty catching to the eyed of this green eyed crazy man who knows she is gone yet for some reason has faith in his new found calling.
I amaze even me nowadays as I can actually calmly compose myself when talking about her or to anyone nowadays…I prefer to be an active listener now as that’s being my biggest fault in life so far as I never consciously knew I was viewing the content of what they said instead of what I now am doing “being able to reflect& emotionally understand their viewpoint & where they are coming from” which also includes being aware of my “Filters” which was to fly off the rail & raise my voice when not liking what I heard which in all fairness was what I needed to hear….her point of view! I never knew I was inadvertently not truly listening to her needs & wants (regardless if my dad was dying/died)so in turn we weren’t growing I the direction she wished for as I was just breezing though life & in doing so we weren’t growing as one growing together as a couple should be. What A complete fuck up hey? I have forgiven myself yet am still learning to which I save in my “love journal”…Yes men can have one too & yes it’s black in colour lol so no negative comments on that point please!
Fuck…I made myself cry now lol said this physical specimen I am now. I’ve still much to learn & always will be an apprentice as I see it as life is one big journey & till the day I die & I will embrace this new train of thought. I still don’t get my eight hours a night though as I find I need 8 days in the week:)to be so busy in a sense as I work over 70 hours a week now to get back & even further ahead than I ever was(that’s the plan:) plus my hectic resume of daily meditation, intense exercise which consists of me cycling everywhere to get to the gym, Yoga/spiritual awakening(life coaching) & to top this off I’ve started a new degree in Project Management as I’m a tradesman which is a full time equivalent degree for ppl’s normal timetable which I’ve recently undertaken externally, I’ve made many new friends, only platonically though mind you as I don’t have time now as this is my biggest test yet I believe so “cheers to me”! as I write this with only 3 hours sleep & back into it for another 12 hour work day which I look forward to as I now work for myself & earn in one day what I used to earn in nearly one week.
No rest for the wicked & none needed as time stops for no one. So yes to all that read this we can all change for the better if you truly want it to happen. Stop fucking around in life as its to short for all of us.
The Crazy Man known as David