You hold me so tight, for so long I feel lost in those big strong arms- I feel my knees will fail me, like somehow you must be able to feel my heart thumping heavy against yours. And you don’t let go, we have long conversation with you holding me tight. I don’t even need to talk, I only do to try and pretend that I’m not thinking about how much I want you to kiss me. Sometimes you stare at me while you’re holding me too- for ages with deep sighs, you listen so hard. I respect you so much. Anyone reading this will think, “ah more kids at college stuff” but we arent- you’ve been my friend for 10 years, you’re even something like my mentor now. We work together more and more. We speak almost every day, (you tell me I talk too much). Sometimes I have told you how I have felt in the past, I think of you, I dream of you, I certainly go to dark places with you in my mind. We even flirt, we had sex too, that was crazy. My feelings were flying round the room, yours were barely containable, but you’re better at that stuff than me. We both know that it was meant to be a bit of fun- an experiment to clear the air. That went wrong- I love you now. And saying goodbye as you leave again is so damn HARD. If I had a magic wand I’d wave it in a heartbeat. But you’ll go back, we’ll carry on, me in crazy silent guilt, you in complete denial- and on it goes. But I love you. I’ve changed, I’m different, and I am the woman you want, need and wish I was. I’ve had problems, you’ve even told me to clean up a few years ago as I started to flounder under pressure, but I did. I cleaned up, I brushed up, I changed, slowly and I’ve grown. And sometimes I think you see that, other times I don’t know if you do? But I love you. To me you are perfect and I’d love you, and no one else if you gave it a chance. Somehow I don’t think you will. For now I just have to take those wonderful strong hugs, sweet kisses on my forehead and gentle loving stares. Maybe it’s enough?