It’s been almost a year now since it ended. Immediately afterward, we ceased all communication. For months I heard nothing from you. Being one of my bosses at work, I always thought I would see you around, but I never did. I sat in class everyday while M sat and chattered to me about how wonderful you are and all these fantastic attributes you have. She just wanted to discuss some common ground, our work, but she had no way of knowing what you had meant to me, and therefore how much it hurt for her to talk about you as if she knew you more than I. Late winter her tune changed. She started saying things about how you had become too sick to come into work and that you were going to be taking leave for a few months. The manner in which it happened was very shady and it worried me to no end. I admit I was pissed that she knew before I did. I tried to call you, but it went straight to voice mail. You had blocked my number. There was no one for me to talk to, our relationship had been kept a secret out of concern for our jobs and your privacy. Besides, I was in a new relationship, why would I even worry about you, even if you had been my fiancé? I caught bits of information that M passed on, all to happy to hold them over my head in an attempt to overthrow my authority. Then, late spring, you popped up at work again. Discreetly I walked up to you and asked you if you were okay, that I had heard you were sick. You told me that you had been in rehab. After we broke of our engagement, you became depressed and your drinking increased to unhealthy levels. Then one night, you drank so much that your heart stopped beating, they brought you back to life in the hospital. You knew that you were going to therapy and they would tell you to come out to your family, so you finally did. As a result, you were passed up for a promotion in the job that you love so very much. My guilt was uncontrollable. We stood among our coworkers having this conversation as if we were discussing the weather, and I did my best to prevent my tears. I had done all that. I know the decisions were yours, but it came as a result of me ending things. And now, in late summer, I find myself questioning everything we had and my part in the relationship. We were engaged for heavens sake! I thought I knew you, but in light of those events, I see you more clearly now. I know why you always wanted a smoke after sex, why you always had a shot ready after dinner, why you never wanted us to go out in public. I never even questioned the status of your closeted-ness with your family and friends. Cigarets and alcohol made the guilt of our relationship easier to bear. How did I not see that before? Why didn’t I question it? I could have helped. But now here I am, a year later, second guessing everything we had and feeling betrayed by your memories. Did I know you at all? Was what we had real, or just a lie? It makes me question my function as a part of a relationship. Am I so blind in my current relationship? Am I missing something crucial? I guess I will never know until I know. And with no one to discuss my feelings with, I find myself writing this letter to you because you are the only one who would understand and answer my questions.