• We aren’t friends

    by  • July 26, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Friends • 3 Comments

    When I told you that we aren’t friends, let alone anything else, I meant it.

    Friends don’t do what you did to me. I no longer feel connected to you. You have found a replacement for me that way. I don’t get what you even want anymore, at all.

    I don’t know what to say to you anymore, ever. Sometimes I want to fight, sometimes I want to scream, I want to punch, yell, kick. I want a reaction, I want to see something in your eyes that says you’re still in this, but I never do. You never say ANYTHING important to me. Nothing of consequence.

    What am I supposed to say? Feel? Do? I am stuck in this hell hole and everyday I feel like I crack just a little bit more. We are not friends, let alone lovers. You haven’t touched me in well over a month. I can’t even remember the last time we made love where I didn’t feel as if you were completing some kind of chore. Well, fuck you for that.

    So no, I’m not staying with you. Unlike you though, I have not made sure I had someone waiting for me on the side. So good for you, I hope thins work out there, though I know that they won’t, not long term anyway.

    Wish you would just leave me alone, ignore my existence, stop acting like there’s nothing wrong. I’m so tired of this, I want right now nothing more than to be gone. To not have to look into your face. When I see you smile, sometimes I really want to just smack it off. You have no idea how hurt, betrayed, angry I am. Or you just don’t care. I’m not sure which one is worse. In either case, ignoring it doesn’t fix things, or change things. Sometimes I think you want me to stay, but most of the time I realize you never really wanted me to begin with. Well fuck you for that too, because in all these years, I have cut out many who did. I have never kept anyone “just in case” because you were it for me.

    That’s my fault for being so naïve though. That’s my fault for ever thinking that you were capable. That you were above this shit. For ever believing your apologies. For being there for you after you fucked me over, for listening to you, for ignoring my intuition.
    So fuck you. Fuck you very much, but fuck me more for wasting my own time.

    Don’t think for a second you can ever call me again. You won’t even have my number. I will be nothing but a distant memory.

    3 Responses to We aren’t friends

    1. The Truth Shall Set You Free
      July 28, 2013 at 8:37 am

      I know you not yet since this is my first time on here in some time, yes its funny as we read through all these letters & think is it them, only to know it could be many a person in this situation.

      Dear author I only write you now as I went though a sad love tale that didn’t end well. I lost the plot as ppl may say as love does some crazy things to ppl. We all, love, we all hurt, very few of us lie, I definitely never did & even though they despise me I hold no ill will for them. The emotional trauma is slowly ebbing away as time does that. I will never open my heart again I will say to another soul again as the pain was too great. As long as you know in your heart everything you said and did was truthful then that is all that matters. I only spoke the truth and yet I was cast as if the villain. Ironic really. Once again I would never want their number as it would mean my heart would be theirs once more.

    2. author
      July 28, 2013 at 1:08 pm

      Thanks for your words, no I’m certain I’m not your person… I played by the rules, and I loved openly. I hope someday I will again, I want to be open to it. I do feel the same though, I don’t think it’s possible, not the same way I did with him. No, he got the best of me, and I doubt anyone will get that again. It’s sad – it was the best feeling in the world, in the end it cost me the worst feeling too though.

      Looking back, I don’t think it was worth it.

    3. @author
      July 29, 2013 at 7:17 am

      Dear Author, thank you for replying & yes she did play by her rules & I mine. I said one thing I know is all I wish in this life? To love and be loved & have a family with that someone special and share all the magical moments that go with it. And yes it was the bestest feeling in my world ever!!! I had been in love twice before but none compared to the love I had & do have for her still. I write here in only hope which I know is a silly thing to do yet here I write. She was the most amazing woman I’ve ever met and to this day I’ve strived to be the better man, not that she will see it sadly. That is how much I love her and still would do anything for. That is why I said I closed off my heart as she will always have it as I hp gave it willingly & wouldn’t have it any other way. I meant all my apologizes & am forever sorry for what I’ve said & done. I know not what to do or say to prove this to her as I can’t do much more I believe. If only I could I would do anything within all my power to do so. To show this she has inadvertantly(I hope this is the case) cost me my job which in my industry is a small one & considering I’ve been in it for eighteen years & im not angry one bit. I see it as penance in a sense and for me to right any wrongs. I would not have had this view point 6 months ago. It’s amazing how much a person can change if they so want to. To the point where this job challenge has opened another door up that is what’s I really needed & actually always desired. My own company.

      My email address is still the same & I’ve only left it open in the off chance I’ll one day hear from her….A man can only wish?

      Thank you for allowing me to say what I’ve needed to say….J


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