When I told you that we aren’t friends, let alone anything else, I meant it.
Friends don’t do what you did to me. I no longer feel connected to you. You have found a replacement for me that way. I don’t get what you even want anymore, at all.
I don’t know what to say to you anymore, ever. Sometimes I want to fight, sometimes I want to scream, I want to punch, yell, kick. I want a reaction, I want to see something in your eyes that says you’re still in this, but I never do. You never say ANYTHING important to me. Nothing of consequence.
What am I supposed to say? Feel? Do? I am stuck in this hell hole and everyday I feel like I crack just a little bit more. We are not friends, let alone lovers. You haven’t touched me in well over a month. I can’t even remember the last time we made love where I didn’t feel as if you were completing some kind of chore. Well, fuck you for that.
So no, I’m not staying with you. Unlike you though, I have not made sure I had someone waiting for me on the side. So good for you, I hope thins work out there, though I know that they won’t, not long term anyway.
Wish you would just leave me alone, ignore my existence, stop acting like there’s nothing wrong. I’m so tired of this, I want right now nothing more than to be gone. To not have to look into your face. When I see you smile, sometimes I really want to just smack it off. You have no idea how hurt, betrayed, angry I am. Or you just don’t care. I’m not sure which one is worse. In either case, ignoring it doesn’t fix things, or change things. Sometimes I think you want me to stay, but most of the time I realize you never really wanted me to begin with. Well fuck you for that too, because in all these years, I have cut out many who did. I have never kept anyone “just in case” because you were it for me.
That’s my fault for being so naïve though. That’s my fault for ever thinking that you were capable. That you were above this shit. For ever believing your apologies. For being there for you after you fucked me over, for listening to you, for ignoring my intuition.
So fuck you. Fuck you very much, but fuck me more for wasting my own time.
Don’t think for a second you can ever call me again. You won’t even have my number. I will be nothing but a distant memory.