• My Maria

    by  • July 25, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    Maria,

    We use to call you this instead of your real name. We’d listen to the counting crows and go on long walks, share philosophies, argue about war, debate who had a better partner, share our crushes..before everything went sour. I need to get this out, and even this is a lettersillneversend site, someday I hope this reaches you. I hope I’ll have to courage to share with you.

    I don’t deserve forgiveness. I can’t accept forgivenes. I know you hate me, and thus that I deserve that hate. I dropped you at a pinnacle time in your life. Your life was falling apart. Your mother died. You were homeless. You had no health care and no money. No car. All you had was a scholarship to college. Your sister and dad didn’t even give a damn.

    For awhile, I helped out..did the right thing by my morals. My Maria, you were bold. You fought depression hard. You tried not to give in. You had to begin from being a child to becoming an adult in one day. I took you in. We got you food, plates, sheets, comforters, pillows. I had you share my computer. I drove you to the doctors and we attempted to teach you to drive. Remember how horrible we were at that? You were just learning and I think that’s when I just learned I sucked at being a teacher. We confided everything in each other.

    Then the hard times, got harder.c Your mother was never going to wake up. You couldn’t look her in the eye. Your eyes drifted to the living room wall, and you stared off in to space. You felt abandoned by everyone, including me, including your girlfriend. We hospitalized you after a twenty hour wait with my mom. I was only 19, and debating on whether to be your health proxy. I told you to be truthful to the doctors. After the end of our friendship, I was hospitalized for wanting to commit suicide, and you were right about that hospital ward. It’s awful. It’s scary. It’s horrifying.

    I can’t imagine how abused you felt, as we tried to find answers, as we tried to fix your problems. As we tried to maintain some type of sanity ourselves..you were going through irrephrensible pain.

    Then, the last night happened. You held on to me so hard. You did things that crossed boundaries because you felt so helpless. It took a long time to understand that, to fully recognize what you were going through, and even now I know I won;t fully understand. You came to me, and asked to come home. I was shot with fear, and anger. I was angry that I was put in a situation that felt like it was never going to get better. I know you felt that way too, except more deeply, more profoundly…more signficant than me.

    And so, you became homeless again. It wasn’t easy to walk away. I walked all the way to my parents house and bawled my eyes out. I was angry for the longest time. I even wrote a letter on here, Maria, blaming you for hte end of our friendship..explainig how scared and helpless I felt.

    There are no excuses.

    I Am Sorry.

    I think of your mother. AND I know she would be ashamed of me. But she wouldn’t be ashamed of you. I couldn’t be prouder of who you are. Surviving the journey you had alone and the pain you faced, is enough proof of that. You have built yourself up. You have always deserved love. And I’m sorry if you ever felt like I didn’t love you. I’m sorry if I never showed it.

    I know you’re engaged Maria. I know what she looks like. I’ve seen her with you, everywhere. I don’t say anything. I try to avoid you at all costs. Most of the time, I know you hate me. I hate myself. Most of my friends think you’re horrible. Some days I’m so mad and bitter, and I can’t figure out why.

    I love you Maria. I absolutely 200 percent love you. I had a dream of us, and I was at your wedding. You had the most gorgeous dress on. It showed all your curves. You told me before you walked down that I wasn’t meant to be there…that you hated me, that you wanted me to die and go to hell. I woke up startled and crying. I deserved those words.

    Too much time has passed. I have been through a lot since we last spoke. I got another tattoo after being hospitalized for wanting to kill myself. My grandfather died. I failed student teaching. hings have been better though. I graduated. My partner and I wokred on our problems. I don’t have any friends.

    No one was as deep or as real as you. No one hurt me as deep as you, and I hurt no one deeper than you. I can’t form any meaningful relationships.

    I check up on you all the time, even though I know you’ve blocked us, from almost every place. Maria, I don’t deserve sympathy. I’m not asking for it. I’m not asking for anything. I don’t deserve any opinion on your life, and that’s how it should be.

    Your partner is very beautiful. The ring she gave you is absolutely breathtaking. I know you’re moving in together, and I’m super excited for you, even though I know I don’t deserve to share that.

    If you get anything out of this letter, is that I am so irrevocably, no doubt, expontentionally, drastically, fantatically, regretfully, disdainfully, every name in the freaking book sorry.

    I was at a hair cut appointment yesterday, and the hair stylist asked me about you. I keep tabs on you, even though I know I shouldn’t. I still care about you, my maria. Right now I’m sobbing in my living room, listening to all the music we’ve ever loved, wishing we could hit the restart button, begging that we could in my head..that our relationship could exist and be healthy…that I could have the heart to say this straight to your face.

    I know you use to go on this site.
    Please contact me by my old email, if you remember it.
    I miss you, and If I knew you’d miss me,I’d be happy to hear from you.

    I’m going to end it with a quote/.

    “Mmm, child things are going to get easier,
    mm, child things are going to get brighter.”

    Just let me know you’re okay.
    It’s killing me.

    I should burn in hell for not being there for you.
    It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I think it will always be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. My maria, it was harder than being 16..it was more traumatic saying goodbye..it was more painful. I regret it every single day of my life.

    Love You

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