• Forever lost

    by  • July 25, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 4 Comments

    Where do I start…? It seems like we always come back to the same place. In a foggy place were neither you nor I ever seeing clear boundaries. As if things are going one direction then at a moment’s notice the fog becomes so thick, we end up on other side. Was I pushing for something more? Did I miss understand? We both agree there is a connection, bond between us that can never be broken. A magnetic force always pushing us together then pushing us apart. We are so great about discussing everything, from current relationships, to opinions about the world around us, bouncing ideas of different businesses, to our own past relationship. The kind of openness that others can only envy. But we never really stop to talk about what is really going on between us as the moment. Nostalgia… Is that were we both live? Can we push forward?

    As you took off for your weekend out of town, I sat back to analysis what had been stirring in the past weeks. Was I reading the situation differently? The tingle I felt in my palms when we held hands, the butterflies that still flew inside even after 8 years. The deep yearn from within somewhere I can’t seem to set a precise location on. When I received the message on birth date about how you would have spent the time with me – the wheels started turning. Maybe we are really moving toward the future, the future that was meant to be. Had I not been putting enough toward it, had I put my friends in front of what could be my life? That was the moment I took a step back, a deep breath and said it is my turn to show that I am willing to move forward. But was that the turning point for you? As I tried to make plans, there were other obligations that arose. Work, understandable. But then friends, and others things – if there would be time then I would be able to take that time slot. Was I being put in the position I put you in? I am truly sorry; I just don’t ever know where I am with you.

    I have wanted to come back to our home state for some time. But what really pulled me was the conversation I had with you, when I sent you a message the following day letting you know I had a deep yearning desire to see you. Subconsciously, the plan to return began.

    I go back to when you left out of town. I reviewed the text messages, was I pushing too much to see you? It looked as though I was reaching out on a consist basis. I told myself stop, what if you don’t want this. Technically I am still in another relationship. Am I willing to risk that for what I feel is true? Absolutely. But then the question is, do you? You said you would call when you get back. I have not heard from you then. I have stopped myself a hundred times from calling and texting because we both know the road goes in both directions. This saddens me because it looks like we came into fog again, I know I can fumble my way through – but will you reach for me and meet me half way?

    4 Responses to Forever lost

    1. Don't Go There
      July 26, 2013 at 7:29 am

      Been there. Done that. With the same person too many times to count. Back away slowly, turn and walk away. The fog will never clear. It will get thicker and thicker until you question everything and are left with nothing.

    2. Step away from the computer
      July 28, 2013 at 7:12 am

      You sound like you’ve been stuck, so to speak, in time. Not knowing if your relationship ended 8 years ago or you met 8 years ago, there is a postulate that gives the understanding that in this case, your life and i’m willing to venture that i could say your ENTIRE life has been frozen in time since the ending of round one.

      Let’s assume it ended 4 years ago. Was 4 years enough time to both make a decsion to get married?
      I mean, if it hadn’t happened in 4 years (or 3 or 6, again..not knowing end date) was it ever going to happen?

    3. Step II
      July 28, 2013 at 7:44 am

      Pardon, I touched a key and all of a sudden it was send as the ‘final’

      To pick up where we left off, I was expanding on Don’t Go There’s comment….

      something fairly substantial must have been in the way, because as general rules go as applied to the type of situation, don’t both parties know at somewhere between the 1 and 4 year markers, that it’s ‘time?’
      Time to be, as my ex wife would say, “Fully in it….100%” ?

      I wonder how many possibilities for equal happiness you have not given any true chance on, because your mind and emotions…..and I venture to guess, your whole life was frozen in time?

      I have no question about your devotion in the least. I have a question about his.

      I was in love a number of times; still am. Sorta. These were very beautiful women. Smart, funny, fun, level headed, a few brilliant. One or two were a bit ‘off’ but their redeeming qualities superseded their flaws. I though, often snagged women for a year, sometimes two, that were out of my league looks wise. I can do that, Cause I’m so cool.

      But for whatever reason, there were a few significant ones, who were still stuck on an ex. One I know, appears to be still with the guy as they had a child together, but they never married. One is still ‘the other woman.’

      I don’t know how people do it. After X period of time, isn’t it time for the ultimatum talk?

      Cause who wants to be be spinning their wheels in the mud? The hole only gets deeper.

      The towtruck bill on these kind of situations, well. The cost is very very high.
      Some never do recover from the investment. Unstuck is a good place to be.

    4. Your Future
      July 28, 2013 at 6:00 pm

      Is NOT in your past. I can relate to your post. I’ve been there with a certain person so many times, we could have had written the book on it. But you have to break the cycle before you do real damage. I really hurt my person and haven’t trusted myself to not hurt anyone else since. Toxic relationships breed toxic people. Sometimes loving is letting go. Hard truth.

      Best wishes.

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