Where do I start…? It seems like we always come back to the same place. In a foggy place were neither you nor I ever seeing clear boundaries. As if things are going one direction then at a moment’s notice the fog becomes so thick, we end up on other side. Was I pushing for something more? Did I miss understand? We both agree there is a connection, bond between us that can never be broken. A magnetic force always pushing us together then pushing us apart. We are so great about discussing everything, from current relationships, to opinions about the world around us, bouncing ideas of different businesses, to our own past relationship. The kind of openness that others can only envy. But we never really stop to talk about what is really going on between us as the moment. Nostalgia… Is that were we both live? Can we push forward?
As you took off for your weekend out of town, I sat back to analysis what had been stirring in the past weeks. Was I reading the situation differently? The tingle I felt in my palms when we held hands, the butterflies that still flew inside even after 8 years. The deep yearn from within somewhere I can’t seem to set a precise location on. When I received the message on birth date about how you would have spent the time with me – the wheels started turning. Maybe we are really moving toward the future, the future that was meant to be. Had I not been putting enough toward it, had I put my friends in front of what could be my life? That was the moment I took a step back, a deep breath and said it is my turn to show that I am willing to move forward. But was that the turning point for you? As I tried to make plans, there were other obligations that arose. Work, understandable. But then friends, and others things – if there would be time then I would be able to take that time slot. Was I being put in the position I put you in? I am truly sorry; I just don’t ever know where I am with you.
I have wanted to come back to our home state for some time. But what really pulled me was the conversation I had with you, when I sent you a message the following day letting you know I had a deep yearning desire to see you. Subconsciously, the plan to return began.
I go back to when you left out of town. I reviewed the text messages, was I pushing too much to see you? It looked as though I was reaching out on a consist basis. I told myself stop, what if you don’t want this. Technically I am still in another relationship. Am I willing to risk that for what I feel is true? Absolutely. But then the question is, do you? You said you would call when you get back. I have not heard from you then. I have stopped myself a hundred times from calling and texting because we both know the road goes in both directions. This saddens me because it looks like we came into fog again, I know I can fumble my way through – but will you reach for me and meet me half way?