I lied. I’d like to think of myself as an agreeable person, but, I guess, I’m too agreeable at times. You told me some things. I think on it now, and I find it impressive. You are impressive, to me. You always carry along conversation so well, and keep it flowing. You always know the right thing to say. I don’t know you very well, but I’d like to think of you as a friend. I hope that’s how you think of me. We may be completely different in some ways, but in others, we’re completely alike.
There’s a lot I want to write, but I’ll try to keep it concise.
You seem so certain. So sure. I envy that. It comes through in everything you say. And every time I’m struggling or falling down, you’re there with you words, helping me back up. I can’t help but smile when I think of our conversations. They were light, at first. Then I sort of told you about some of the darkness that creeps out of me. I thought, you were a person I could come to talk to about a lot of things that I struggle telling anyone. Why? I’m not sure, but when I shared somethings I hadn’t really talked to others about, you shared things you had never shared. And when I needed someone to talk to, you were there.
But there are two things I really need to say. One is, I feel like we lost our connection. That we just aren’t talking like we used to. I don’t know.
The second is, what I alluded to in the first sentence of this letter. Haha, can you believe it? I’m terrified that somehow you’ll come across this and know. So, I’m trying to phrase it in a way that I can get out what I want to get out, without it being able to give me away. I wonder if that doesn’t matter, and if you could tell I wrote this just from how I wrote it.
You brought up religion that one time. Compared to your certainty, I fell into the trap of saying something along the lines of being a Christian and thinking about atheism. The truth is, I really am an Atheist. The majority of my family doesn’t know, and probably about a quarter of my good friends know. If it doesn’t come up, I don’t bring it up. I don’t go to church. I haven’t gone since I was young, like 12. I’m still not very old.
Would you cringe if I said I feel like God would have, if he was real, a terrible job? I mean, he watches people, like ants, for eternity, and then sends them one way or another. I couldn’t even imagine how he decides to send someone to Heaven versus Hell. The way I think, even if there is some Creator, why would he think about us humans especially? Really, he’s just up there playing the Sims?
I tried, I really did. I used to have conversations with “God”, but I knew in my heart that all I was really doing was talking with myself. I never needed a God to tell right from wrong. I can feel that in my heart. When a person needs help, I can even FEEL their cry. I have empathy and sympathy, care about people and animals, and can feel peoples pain. Maybe it’s because I have trust issues, or because I’m still young, or because I haven’t been enlightened. I don’t really know. All I know, is that I don’t believe in God. But I think I led you to believe that I did. I want to tell you the truth. I do. But I don’t want to suddenly bring it up. I don’t want it to end our friendship- although you seem like someone who would be okay with it.
Anyway, I’m sorry this letter was so long. I hope our normal conversations resume soon. You are the one person who I look forward to hearing from, and when I don’t, I can feel your absence. I don’t make friends like you often, so I don’t want to lose you.