Remember when you kissed her for the first time? You were interested in her for months, while you were dating me. That weekend you went to a race with your family in the states, and spent the whole night texting her, confessing how much you liked her, claiming you just had to tell her how you felt? That hurt me so much, and I texted you all night, but you never replied; you didn’t think about me or my feelings when you should have. I remember our conversation from that night. I said I love you before I went to bed, and you didn’t say it back… When you admitted you liked her, I should have broken up with you. I should have seen this one; the first red flag. I should have screamed and freaked out; after all, she was my best friend.
Remember that night you made out with her? You thought I wouldn’t find out, so you didn’t tell me; she told me herself. That just shows what a good friend she turned out to be in the end, and what a liar you were. You talked to me later about how ugly and fat she is, yet you made out with her at a party, conveniently when I was out of town. Did you just intend to hurt me?
Remember when you admitted you fooled around with her? You told me you would never do that to me. You said you felt obligated to do things for her because she gave you head… but fooling around is never an obligation. She must have been great at it, hmm? You used to pick me up from work at night when I called, and you’d leave hanging out with her to be with me. I didn’t know she was giving you blowjobs, and I remember you saying you were simply “returning the favour” once I did know. I didn’t find out until quite a while later, and when I confronted you, you lied to me. I knew. I’m not stupid, and you dug yourself a grave when you decided not to be honest in the first place. I still wonder to this day if you were fucking her too; I guess I’ll never know.
Do you remember when I found that email from her? You let me go on your hotmail to download a song, and I didn’t open it, but I wanted to. I suspected it was something I didn’t want to see, and I asked you straight out. You deleted it before I got to see it, and told me it was poetry, but that wasn’t true. They were naked pictures, and you had lied to me again.
You should remember this next one, it’s awfully recent.
Remember the night you told me you had feelings for her? January 6th, 2013. It was right after Christmas break, and I’d just returned to school. You told me you two had gone out for dinner, and I was upset because it sounded like a date. You proceeded to tell me that you have feelings for her, and that you don’t think they’ll go away any time soon. I gave you an ultimatum: “You can stay with me and put all your love and commitment into this relationship, or you call her. If you chose her, whether her answer is yes or no, you will never have me again.” That one was a huge argument, and it ended in me breaking up with you, because of what you’d told me. You said “you needed time to think.” Well, the next morning, I woke up to texts from you. They said that you had chosen me, that you loved me. You said you’d decided not to even talk to her because our relationship was worth it. I believed you, and I took you back.
But guess what I discovered? That night, after I went to bed, you had a Skype conversation with your “Belle”. You told her, “I’ve always had feelings for you, don’t be naive.” Imagine my surprise. You lead me to believe that you had chosen me, that I was worth it to you, but in the reality I didn’t know, you had asked her and she turned you down. You knew I’d said I’d never take you back if you asked her, so what did you do? You told me she wasn’t worth it, and that you decided not to ask her. Another lie? I wish I’d known this on January 6th when it happened, because I spent nearly the next 2 months with you, thinking I was the one you had chosen. I wish I’d known that you chose her, and that I was the backup plan.
I decided I would give you another chance when you “chose me”, and we talked civilly about how you planned to explain your feelings to her in an attempt to “burn the bridge”. We both thought this was a good idea, and I waited, and waited for you to do it, to end your feelings for her. Eventually, I asked about it. You told me you’d decided not to tell her, because you feel like it would ruin your friendship. You said you thought you could get over it on your own, and that your feelings had already started to fade since you git it off your chest and told me.
What did I do? I believed your lie, as I always did.
You came to visit me one week later, and it was a beautiful weekend. We went out for dinner, we relaxed, we had a How I Met Your Mother marathon, and what else? Oh yeah, we had sex. You knew you had feelings for her, and you continued to subject me to lies and deceit to get what you wanted.
I was stupid. I believed your feelings for her had gone away in the course of two weeks. I gave you my body, my heart and every ounce of love I could possibly give you, because I wanted us to work out. I thought you did too.
I loved you so hopelessly. I thought you felt the same…
Let’s jump forward to when we broke up. It was Wednesday, January 30th. It was mutual, it was soft and understanding; a conversation that stemmed from the realization that we wouldn’t see each other for the next 2 months, and that I wasn’t coming home for the summer. I was fine with this breakup, until the following weekend when I caught word of some things you’d said the night we broke up. The boys were asking you how you were feeling, how you were handling the breakup. You were avoiding their questions, but when one of them asked how your last weekend with me had been, you told them, “The sex was good.” I’m glad the only thing that came to your mind in terms of our relationship was the sex. It’s a compliment really; one that made me realize how much you used me.
You’d spent the last two months pretending you chose me, that we were working on our relationship, only to still have feelings for my best friend. I even told you the last time you came to visit, when you asked for a video of me giving you a blowjob, that you had to earn it. You can’t just tell your girlfriend you have feelings for another girl, and expect her to bow to your every whim, but damn, did you ever pressure me.
I found out that you continued the conversation by talking about how much you liked her, and how you’re thinking of trying to get with her. I always knew you had no pride in our relationship, and you proved that when you talked about my best friend that way, the very evening we broke up. Your friends also told me that you’d referred to me as, “not being able to keep my word.” Did you expect that if trying to win Shanna’s heart didn’t work, that you could come crawling back to me with your tail between your legs and know I’d take you back? That’s what your friends got from the statement.
The biggest question I’ve ever had in our relationship wasn’t a question to ask you; it was a question I need to find the answer to myself. “Why did I say that everything was alright and forgive you, every time?”
The answer? I don’t know why, but I know it was the wrong decision.
You tried to make me promise that I wouldn’t leave you behind and break your heart when I came to University, but I kept telling you, “… people change, things change, life gets in the way, I don’t know what I want, etc…” I told you so many times, but you still never understood why I was so uncertain. This letter should answer your questions.
Take another look:
I should have told you I didn’t trust you anymore, because I don’t.
I told you that you hurt me so many times, and I always got an apology, but you kept doing it over and over again. Every time, you said, “I promise, I’ll never do this to you again.”
I guess I’m not the only one who doesn’t stand by my word.
I should have kicked your lying ass to the curb, because God knows I wanted to.
I should have known that when we broke up the first time, friends with benefits wouldn’t be enough for a man with such need, because you wanted more, and you got it behind my back.
I wish you’d chosen her that summer before we got together, because you wouldn’t be a part of my life today, and I wouldn’t be writing this letter.
I shouldn’t have taken you back the first time, or asked for you back the second time, because I know it was wrong.
I shouldn’t have forgiven you for any of this, but I did, because I love you…
I shouldn’t have loved you, because it changed me…
I hate the person I’ve become, but you made me this way…
A girlfriend should never feel like she’s second best, but that’s all I ever felt.
You asked me if I hate you, and I meant what I said. You’re the most important man who’s ever been a part of my life.
To this day, despite everything I’ve said in this letter, I love you.
I want nothing more than to just be in your arms every moment of the day, even while I’m writing this, because I would forgive you time and time again if it meant we could be happy.
But you’ll never change.
And I deserve better.