• I’m alright but

    by  • July 9, 2013 • To You • 2 Comments

    If you want to know the truth of it, in the end it wasn’t you that forced me to make the decision to cut you out of my life…I mean it was at the time…you said and did some truly horrible things…but it was more me finally noticing that all of my issues and faults were out of control when I was around you or even thought of you. I’m honestly just damaged in general, for no singular reason but more for an accumulation of reasons…and for whatever reason everything I hate about myself – my insecurities, my neuroses, my tendency to blame others rather than take accountability – all of it was so much more pronounced when I interacted with you. I think it was because you unhinged me, which is a state I try to avoid at all costs. Obviously, because look what happens when I lose control…I don’t even need to detail everything, but it’s some crazy shit to say the least.
    I will say, though…I miss you more than I’ve ever missed anyone in my entire life. I hear you make comments about other girls being hot and a monster explodes with rage in my chest. I see pictures of you hanging out and having fun with others and an insane jealousy consumes me…I just want to have one last car talk with you…just one last four hour drive where we can say whatever we want because we’re in that 4th dimension of space that exists only between us in hours on the phone or on nameless roads in our hometown. I want to say it all, honestly and without pretense. I want to finally understand you and make you understand me. Most of all, I just want my friend back. But the worst part (and there are a lot of worsts) is that I know you don’t like me and don’t want to be my friend again. I have no right whatsoever to be upset by this fact – after all, it was my decision and my fault entirely that you’re a stranger to me now. But this fucking pain is still here and I can’t fucking stand it.
    I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. If I could stand being vulnerable I would just tell you these things, or at least try to. But no, instead I act as if nothing is wrong and you never cross my mind…which could not be further from the truth. Because you have basically taken up permanent residence in my mind, un-fucking-fortunately. And I know it’s somewhat me glorifying the entire relationship, but I can’t even control it anymore. Whatever.

    Maybe one day we’ll have a chance to talk…I hope for that chance more than anything, but I honestly doubt that I will ever get it…And that breaks my already fucked heart.

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    2 Responses to I’m alright but

    1. Blue
      July 9, 2013 at 2:52 pm

      You and I will NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER BE FRIENDS I regret the day I ever met you…the only thing I did was believe in you and us as for love you wdnt let me little loan itself love you and you have the nerve to tell me and itself that it was me that belittled u and me that terroized ,tell it however u want date it tranny marine and fuck off good dissonance ms all that forget we mettle via bell or high water you are nothing to me and I mean it go make porn with tomorrow and he tells u everything does everything perfect great I’m happy for you now go beat it and leave my nslame out of it mouth




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    2. YOU know who I Am?
      July 11, 2013 at 5:27 am

      I must be going crazy as I’m still here just as you are if this is you. Most likely I am once more yet a fool but here goes. Aside from having concussion ATM from knocking myself out today coming down from a ceiling space after working on an Air conditioner, once more I’m visiting the hospital again. Third time this year lol, what a year it’s been. I should buy a lotto ticket with all the luck I’m having right now. It can only get better. They won’t even let me out as my head is hurting so much with all the drugs they’ve given me & to top it all off I’m writing this while the nurse who is watching over me has gone for her meal break. I really don’t care anymore even when they are concerned about my brain swelling. What an egg on my head. I remember a saying “On ya Head” it’s a positive saying in fact in another language & it means if I remember correctly, not to get pregnant? I’m rambling & I can hear her talking outside my room. If by some silly chance it’s you, most likely not. I’m not sure what I can do as I can’t. There’s nothing wrong with you! We all have issues, I’m right here! My feelings are the same-positive. I don’t care what others would think, only your opinion matters to me & if/how/whether you do feel the same for me. I’d be hat man on your dream tropical island, what did you say, oh, grapes for you that was it whilst fanning you dreamy woman. Dear author if I’m way off please forgive me & my current concussion. Shit nurse




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