If you want to know the truth of it, in the end it wasn’t you that forced me to make the decision to cut you out of my life…I mean it was at the time…you said and did some truly horrible things…but it was more me finally noticing that all of my issues and faults were out of control when I was around you or even thought of you. I’m honestly just damaged in general, for no singular reason but more for an accumulation of reasons…and for whatever reason everything I hate about myself – my insecurities, my neuroses, my tendency to blame others rather than take accountability – all of it was so much more pronounced when I interacted with you. I think it was because you unhinged me, which is a state I try to avoid at all costs. Obviously, because look what happens when I lose control…I don’t even need to detail everything, but it’s some crazy shit to say the least.
I will say, though…I miss you more than I’ve ever missed anyone in my entire life. I hear you make comments about other girls being hot and a monster explodes with rage in my chest. I see pictures of you hanging out and having fun with others and an insane jealousy consumes me…I just want to have one last car talk with you…just one last four hour drive where we can say whatever we want because we’re in that 4th dimension of space that exists only between us in hours on the phone or on nameless roads in our hometown. I want to say it all, honestly and without pretense. I want to finally understand you and make you understand me. Most of all, I just want my friend back. But the worst part (and there are a lot of worsts) is that I know you don’t like me and don’t want to be my friend again. I have no right whatsoever to be upset by this fact – after all, it was my decision and my fault entirely that you’re a stranger to me now. But this fucking pain is still here and I can’t fucking stand it.
I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. If I could stand being vulnerable I would just tell you these things, or at least try to. But no, instead I act as if nothing is wrong and you never cross my mind…which could not be further from the truth. Because you have basically taken up permanent residence in my mind, un-fucking-fortunately. And I know it’s somewhat me glorifying the entire relationship, but I can’t even control it anymore. Whatever.
Maybe one day we’ll have a chance to talk…I hope for that chance more than anything, but I honestly doubt that I will ever get it…And that breaks my already fucked heart.