i miss you so much. i doubt i’ll ever tell you that to your face, but i desperately want/need to. i’ve given it about 2 and some odd years, but time has not erased you and i don’t know what to do at this point.
i can be real enough with myself now to admit that i loved you, and i can even see myself ending up with you one day…but honestly, right now i just want my friend back. and i mean that in the most platonic way. i want to talk and laugh and smoke and LAUGH with you again. god, i miss laughing with you. it’s an actual ache that i can feel, this longing.
don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of things about you that i genuinely hate, but the good times we had make me want to say ‘fuck it’ and contact you. those memories make me want to forget logic and reason just so i can have my friend around me…i want to do nothing with you again because you are still my favorite person to do nothing with.
but, alas..i’m just going to keep doing what i’m doing instead because i’m too scared of what you might say or not say. i’m scared you are completely fine with this silence. i’m scared of what my friends and family will think of me if i chose to associate with you again. i’m scared of the possible rejection. and unfortunately, all of these fears trump my fear of things staying this way forever (although, you should know…the idea of never talking to you again, and i mean honestly TALKING without barriers or all of that fake pleasantry bullshit, makes me want to cry). so i guess i’ll just keep pretending this isn’t hurting me.
the memories though…they’re fucking killing me right now.