As bad as this may sound, sometimes I sit here in the house my partner and I share, in the bed we share and think about what would have happened had I never left. I guess I kind of lost my mind for a little while there. When we broke up I realised I didn’t know who I was anymore, I couldn’t think of any friends to talk to that I hadn’t alienated myself from to talk to. My whole world revolved around you, and then you were gone. It was my choice, I know that but, I still wonder if I did the right thing.
Don’t get me wrong, leaving and running away with L to Australia was the best thing I have ever done. I love him with all my heart and soul. But I just wonder…
You rang me around Christmas time and said that you wished you had stopped me from going. Its funny, because you don’t realise that you could have. If you had simply said I still love you and I have changed I would never have got on that plane and left you and all the memories behind. And that makes me angry that at the time I wasn’t worth that to you. And it makes me angry that you think its okay to call me 6 months later and tell me you love me and that you’ll pay for me to fly home and be with you. You were too late, 6 months too late.
I’m not sure of the type of person you are now, I don’t know you anymore. Me and L have just had our 1 year anniversary and it seems like just yesterday we were celebrating our 3rd. Time moves too fast and with all the new excitement I’ve had in my life the past year I don’t think I’ve had time to properly “grieve” what happened between us. This doesn’t mean I still love you, or that I don’t love L. It just means that I still haven’t come to grips with the fact that you were a huge part of my life and now you’re not.
Just know, that I think about you every single god damn day and really hope you are happy. I wish the happiness I have found on you and I hope you find it.