• you’re all gonna want to skip this whole damn page sorry – the bat shit crazy lady…

    by  • May 27, 2013 • Thoughts • 0 Comments

    ~~~*
    I never looked up video of a live show because I was there and really had no clue that so many people record it.. I’m not looking at the audience. So this last time I drank too much (not shrooms like before wow) and couldn’t recall a few spots that night. And I looked for and found video. A fuck lot.

    * eventually I watched ‘j-e’ from 2009 – right before it starts it sounds like my name is called out. Friends agree with me, then shrug it off like they didn’t hear it at all.
    – then I watched all of the videos of the concert I had just attended
    – then previous dates on the tour.
    – then previous years
    – then everything I could find

    * I quickly realized I had ruined the last 6 concerts I had been to. I hated myself and felt suicidal for a while. That’s really not my style so I started liking it kinda and thinking I could be a back up singer – lmao no just joking.
    – but I did start thinking you hated me and wanted me dead.

    * next the new start to ‘y-e’ it sounds like right before you switch over into it the cords to the song I was named after are being played – in specific the part that makes me think of my name musically speaking lol
    – I listened to it over and over and can relate. A lot. verbally and physically if not in total mentally. I made a 15 minute video of it from each night as it progressed. I love it. I feel infamous now.

    * the video where I hear my name being said by your sound crew and the broken chatter of their friends made my stomach drop. (this is when I get nervous and can’t figure out what the deal is).
    – in the same clip i noticed my name is whispered in the background and your unusual behavior I saw as a result thus becomes instantly understandable.
    – this clip also has them talking about how I scream insanely loud, how silly my name is along with the info that you wrote about me once before in reference to the last album, oh and how fat i’ve gotten.

    * ‘t-r’ and ‘l-p’ made me quite paranoid for a minute – thanks babe even if I’m way off, bad-viber voodoo stuff

    * then hearing my name where it says ‘i feel ~’ in ‘t-s’.
    – which I love the mtv video cuz parts are filmed on the island I grew up on

    * then during ‘f-l’

    * and ‘d-l’ I hear it in one show too.

    * the ‘I got ~’ during ‘I-d’ was a lyric before
    – the attitude not so much
    {the new end hurts my feelings since mass suffocation is uncool}

    * the new end to ‘i-n’ leaves me confused and at times you’ve been slightly rude in imagery

    (*) after I saw you this tour you added
    – ‘l-p’
    – ‘d-l’
    – and ‘s-s’
    {to the show for one night each on different nights i think}

    * ‘c-r’ has been like a puzzle every show, but in one way or another something catches my ear
    – the ‘XXX baby’ after I had just changed my name to “XXX”==.
    – the humming of one version [my initials at the starting]
    – the ‘I’ve waited years for you ~’ and ‘come back ~’
    {cuz back ~~ he’ll always run to XXX ==}
    {I just posted a picture online saying ‘ /| wherever I am with you’}
    – also maybe I heard ‘I choked’ I’m not sure.

    * I’ve noticed probably every time you change any word or your emotional tone. and any when you make reference to time and place

    * besides that you wouldn’t open your eyes for most of the show I was at (the one I flew two huge states over to see)
    < and the few times you did you glared me down
    < and once when I screamed I thought (looking later on video) you may have been motioning to security,
    < but you also XOXOXed at the end towards my direction.
    < me I was too afraid to talk to you. fml

    * oh and I saw a picture of the guy following us from machine to machine ~ he was setting up your stage for you in another town you were in later on.

    * it's now making me wonder if my seating partners were their just by chance as they said they had been in your company once before .

    * don't let me forget your tattoo on your name I can find all the letters of my name, but you're not wanting to tell except for private to people you know I guess.

    well now the million dollar question is ‘what do you think about all this shit right here…?’. My only concern now is how to approach you without coming off as bat-shit crazy. I’m scared that I hurt your feelings by thinking that you knowing I was even alive was wishful thinking on my part. That you might have thought I didn’t care. When really I just thought that you didn’t so I couldn’t. I’m terrified honestly more than you could possibly imagine. idk tho you do have good brain skills <3

    P.S.
    I have never been fond of being an auburn color until I heard you sing the "l-d" cover and I melted. oh my goodness could you actually get any hotter?!? I think not. And yes I do know that your friends hate me and you won't ever be able to tell them if you talk to me. I can handle it mostly. I hope it's not too late to find out what we are to one another, because I've never known a pull like this to any person. you're a part of me that I didn't know I was missing. I don't feel complete anymore.

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