• Dear Life

    by  • May 20, 2013 • Depression • 0 Comments

    Dear Life,
    Why are you so hard? Why are people so mean? Am I bipolar? I’m so scared. I don’t want to let my family down. I hate myself. I can’t even properly function. I’m so stupid and gahhh I hate everything about myself. I have nothing going for me. I’m at boarding school but my life is a mess. My grades suck. My boyfriend left me. My best friend got kicked out. I am so scared. Why can’t I be like those girls who have millions and billions of friends? I bet they’re never lonely. I bet they’re never like this. Based on logic, I’ll get through this. But it sure doesn’t feel like it. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am not even excited for summer. I am not even in the mindset of “if I make it to summer, I can figure it out then”. I’m doomed. Everyday these two stupid annoying idiots in my English class make fun of me. EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!!! I have turned to drugs. It doesn’t even ease the pain for very long. Sometimes not even at all. The last few trips, the higher I got, the more upset I got because all I could think about was Elias, my ex. Who is going off to college next year and how much he hates me. I am desperate as ever. I’ll never be successful and I don’t want my parents to pass away. Ever. I love them sooooo much. Life is so hard. I want to end it but I’ll get bored. I want to end it but I can’t. I can’t hurt my family and friends. Elias would probably think I was a loser anyway. He will never love me again. Oh god he hates me so much. He would probably think I did it for attention. Life is falling apart. I can’t do it. I’m done. Over. I can’t even pinpoint and specify what is wrong. IT’S SO FRUSTRATING!!! EVERYTHING IS WRONG!!! I can’t fix it. Will I have to live like this forever? What happens when we die? Is there a god? All these deep questions are hitting me all at once. I have tried to put off thinking about this deep stuff because after all-ignorance is bliss. But it’s inevitable. I can’t sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep since last tuesday when elias ripped out my heart and spit on it. I trusted him. We had a sexual relationship. He means the world to me but he is being so mean. Good god he hates me so much. He will never love me again. He completed me. He was the glue that held my fragile pieces together. And he doesn’t even care. He couldn’t care less how I’m doing. I try to put on a brave face everyday but my energy is running low. I can’t do this much longer. My way of putting on a brave face is being quiet all day and trying not to cry. I think about him every second of the day. Even if it’s just in the back of my mind. It sounds like he is the main source of this. But there were things already falling apart before he broke up with me. Good lord. What do i do to get the spark of life back? Have I lost it? I’m only 17. Is this what was meant to happen? was it supposed to end here? I can’t ughhh god my nose is running so much from crying. It’s burning my eyes. I must be bipolar. My emotions have been haywire lately. I HAD MY PERIOD FOR A MONTH AND ELIAS DIDN’T EVEN CARE TOWARD THE END. HE GAVE UP ON ME!!!! And he was a TERRIFIC guy. Everyone loved him. He was that guy that everyone knows and loves and no one ever says anything bad about him. he goes out of his way to help people. but i think i sucked the good out of him and left him as a shell at the end. i broke his heart. i tricked him into thinking i was amazing then the demons devoured him. that’s probably what happened. i’m a soul sucker!!!!!!!!

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