• this won’t happen again

    by  • May 4, 2013 • To You • 0 Comments

    You left me 19 days ago. On the phone. Suddenly. After standing by and being faithful to your sexless depressed ass for months. After years of hot and cold. After standing in an abortion clinic with you making large life decisions holding your hand. Just days after you told me you were “glad for me” in your life. It was you, you , you . Your depression. Hang in there. You help so much. It’s not you. I wish I could support you. We will get this back to normal. I will do this. Thank you for being here..blah blah and then days later. And BAM. You want to be alone. People break up you said. Like it was nothing. Like we hadnt spent two and a half years together. Like we were still THAT couple. . . and guess what–we are. . . obviously. I am still figuratively standing in your work parking lot holding fucking cardboard signs about giving us a shot after TWO AND A HALF YEARS. REALLY? I am still that unimportant to you. What do people have to do to gain some VALUE in your life? You still don’t love me. Trust me. Or even respect me enough to say it to my face. I was no more to you than a book you took off a shelf and put back when you wanted to…often reading the pages with insatiable desire and then the next week barely reading a paragraph and then back to the insatiable desire–and the cycle goes on…and on.

    You left because you don’t love me. You even said you wish I HAD NEVER MET YOU. You never had felt so guilty for something you had done to another person. WHAT? You were just running your hand down my face at that cabin. Lighting cakes on my candle and signing with my kids and now this all is one big fucking two year regret to you?? Are you joking? I just took months of your MISDIRECTED rage due to your depression. . . This wasn’t rational. So, what did I do…I protested. . . and you began the “Do you want to guilt me into this>?” Well fuck I didn’t know I had to GUILT you into it. Perhaps you forgot I AM A DAMN GOOD WOMAN AND PARTNER. GUILT YOU?? What the fuck? I am suddenly a needy annoyance in your eyes you merely need to get rid of…I felt like you were breaking up with someone you went out with a few times…not ME…not us…NOT YEARS OF US..

    I thought you meant what you were saying and doing. Hell you had just told me a week ago you would be here for me the same way I had been here for you and now, just mere days later, you want out…you want to be alone…”people break up every day. There are songs written about it you said.”

    You truly are a mean ass bastard. The worst thing you did to me was not say it to my face. You know me and my feeling nature. You know I need closure. You told me it was too “hard”. Really? I don’t buy it for a second. Too hard to see me? Shit, you’re a coward.

    And I am PISSED I let you of all fucking people make me comfortable enough to show you my legs in bed…to express myself with you in ways I hadn’t with anyone and to share my life walking with you for years–and it’s ” a break up. Happens all the time” you say…is that so?

    Well not for me. I don’t invest two and half years and still not care enough to be INVESTED. I don’t love like this all the time for years and then in hours decide to do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what we’ve been doing. I don’t use people or make them feel like I am embarrassed by them by hiding them. I don’t stay married for years and allow my ex to not honor you or hold me by the “balls.”

    But you do.

    And for the final straw FUCK YOU for not coming over the night I miscarried. FUCK YOU for not hearing me. You didn’t see me for FOUR DAYS after that fast drop off at the door. Wed been through weeks of talking it out, crying, etc. and you can’t even come over to hold me. . . for FOUR DAYS??? I got a fast drop off at my front door and hug. And you were gone. You were supposed to come back..but TC was sick–again. And you made little effort to be here. . . the next night would have even been better..but no, just four days later like you did every other fucking week for years. . . I needed to be held. For even FIVE fucking minutes. I needed to be near you. You were never there for me.Things are so much more clear for me now.

    And you actually said to me it would be a bad example to have the child to your daughter. A bad example? What? So am I a bad example with my two children? What a fucked up thing to say to me. . . did you once say “you’d be a great mom–or I know at a different place and time, Id be happy any many would be honored to have a child with you but..”no..no,no… you just freaked out like you had just gotten a prostitute pregnant. You asshole.

    You are making a mistake I told you. “If I am , I will come crawling back” you replied. I laughed. You can try. But you will never hurt me again. You will never be loved by me again. You will never touch the small of my back or wake up hugging me or have me fix you coffee at five am…ever again. No more books to support your life issues, or thoughtful lunches..or sweet attention or long talks about life, politics, our kids.

    I deserved far more than you ever gave me. I am heartbroken you after all those years, all those experiences, especially as I pulled you through the start of this depression, you picked your fear of commitment over our very special connection…again.

    We are still that couple to you. I am still holding those cardboard signs. You are still dismissing me and any value I have to you.

    You leaving me was a great idea. I cant wait to forget you. I will never love the same way again. I give and love too much. Thank you for the lesson you taught me. Perhaps you were right all along, love isn’t real.

    I will never think I was more to you than an annoyance, a chore you didn’t wish to complete, and unlovable. . . I will never understand why you used me for so long.Thanks for adding on two more years of being mistreated and not loved to my recent history of the same. Shit, man…what a thing to do.

    And that was the end for me.

    Never, never again.

    One night at 10 pm I will forget that you used to call to “tuck me in”. I will forget you. I can’t fucking wait to forget you.

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