• I’m married to someone who is not right for me and I hate it.

    by  • March 5, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 3 Comments

    Dear World,

    I’m married to someone who is not right for me, and I hate it.

    I hate it because there’s no way to deny it any more.

    I hate it because I feel like other than the two kids we had together, everything else has been a HUGE f-ing WASTE of my life.

    I’ve been married to him for over 30 years now, and I have no one to blame, in the end, but myself. And I really hate knowing that a lot, but not because I can’t own up to my part in it all, instead the frustration and anger comes from knowing that I’ve held out for SO G.D. LONG, thinking that “one day” things will be different, but now I know more than ever, that that’s just never going to happen.

    I also HATE that after all these years with him, I’m stuck now, because of ‘so damn many bad circumstances’ from our past, and so now, financially, I can’t even get out, in any kind of ‘healthy or sane’ way. And to me, there’s nothing worse than –knowing that– now.

    Well, I was going to turn this into a rant about all the crappy ugly things he’s done to me in our marriage, but the thing is; I know that if we had been truly right for each other, then none of those things would have happened… because he’s NOT the worst person in the world, and neither am I. Again: what we are, is just not really right for each other. I see now that all our differences is what makes us wrong for each other, or mainly, the fact that I was always willing to meet him half way but he was not the compromising type. I thought that by my examples that he’d want to reciprocate, I know now that I was wrong to have ever believed that about him…

    Why the hell it took me ALL this time to come to this point, again: I see that I have only myself to blame for that… my will is so VERY strong, and so I WANTED this marriage to work, so I mainly focused on that. I was NOT going to let anything else sway me from that ultimate desire. Sadly, it has taken someone like me, ‘too damn long’ to finally realize that sometimes, quitting is the best thing that a person can do, ‘for everyone involved’.

    So, if there’s anyone out there reading this, let this be a warning to you.

    DON’T do what I’ve done, DON’T hold out like I have, because you may end up just like me now: a hell of a lot older, and now also cut off from any real way of making any kind of a clean and sane break; both financially and emotionally.

    Hindsight being what it is for me, I know now that staying so long in a relationship like mine, first ‘for love’ (we each had our own take on what that was, and sadly, I didn’t understand, for far too many years, that there are SO MANY MANY kinds of love: he loves me like a person loves an object, but that kind of love is NOT something I like, or can now live with. And that sometimes you CAN love someone with all your heart, like I did for him, but that DOES NOT mean you can still live with them) and then ‘for the sake of idealism of what a marriage is supposed to be’ (now I see that there REALLY is NO SIN in ending a marriage if it’s just NOT working out) and then even after that ‘for the kids’ (I understand now that my kids suffered more, with two parents who were NOT ever really meshing/getting along together), was all wrong.

    Thank you, any readers out there, for your time.

    3 Responses to I’m married to someone who is not right for me and I hate it.

    1. don't despair
      March 14, 2013 at 1:41 am

      I read your post with huge sympathy. I made the same mistake and, though it has in the end turned out not so bad for me, I share with you the huge sense of having wasted my life. All I can say is maybe you could try & think positive and think outside the box..Above all , please put yourself first. Fill your time with things you enjoy.Sod them and all the drudgery. Take up painting, dancing, whatever you enjoy. Take a lover! Create yourself some TLC and with a bit of luck it will succour you. Good luck!i

    2. Sigh
      August 11, 2013 at 6:38 am

      I feel your pain and I’m not even married yet. Our wedding is this year.
      I sadly don’t have a choice for several reasons. :(

    3. Anon
      December 25, 2014 at 8:46 pm

      I too feel your pain.
      It is a very deepening and truly sad pain to know whoever you’re with is absolutely terrible for you. After 4 years I wanted to get away, off and on off and on… I always came back I think due to my insecurity or the fact I think I could “fix” her from her broken diseased self. I can’t stand her attitude and the way she treats me like a little child, I can trace it back to the beginning of our relationship (my one and only real relationship by the way….) she was always standing on her soap box commanding me to do this or that, or blasting me with constant negativity.
      I sincerely want our relationship to be a great one, and I do try to work on solutions with her, but she isn’t really interested in the solution as she is interested in constantly reminding me what the problem is. We have had terrible fights…. I am not an angry person, I never have been… And in fact people would say I’m one of the nicest people they meet; despite this I will admit I have literally drug her out of my moms house by her hands and thew all her shit out on the front porch and locked the door on her several times. I’ve been to court for supposed bruises i had unintentionally caused by grabbing her wrists and trying to get her out of my moms house. My online friends know her as the She-devil because that is what I refer to her as. I can’t even say I love her anymore. I vividly rember having sex with her and she told me she loved me, and I could see it in her eyes… It really hurt me right then… I knew at the moment I was legitimately freaked out by her saying this because I genuinely couldn’t say it back to her. Way back when we first had sex, she requested me to tell her I loved her as I fucked her (this was my forst sexual experience too) I didn’t think much of it and agreed; of course I ended up fucking and forgetting to say it which ended with her notably upset to the point i retreated to my car outside crying and smoking weed to cope. It is almost 5 years now we have been together, and we have a small baby as I type this. It was a huge mistake for me to let this happen. Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby so much… Overwhelming love for him, but when I think of her… I just hate her so much. The first 3 months of her pregnancy I was in a terrible mood and all I wanted from her was an abortion. Maybe it could have happened if I was more mean to her… Yes I was purposely mean to her so she would get an abortion… Well that didn’t work. In times of absolute despair I would turn to my mom and say I can’t live with her, I would try to get help, I would reach out to so many people just so I could pour my heart out just so I could feel better for a moment. I think about suicide on the regular; I think about killing her on the regular, and every time I decide I can’t do either because it is just not morally right for either of those things to happen. Especially now with a child. I actually wished bad things would happen to her. I hate these thoughts that I get, I try to ignore them. I’m so sorry for the wall of text, I don’t know what I’m getting at.. But please if you can do something about your bad relationship please do something about it. Stop being complacent. Get out there. Find someone beautiful and interesting and who loves you for who you are.

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