I’m married to someone who is not right for me, and I hate it.
I hate it because there’s no way to deny it any more.
I hate it because I feel like other than the two kids we had together, everything else has been a HUGE f-ing WASTE of my life.
I’ve been married to him for over 30 years now, and I have no one to blame, in the end, but myself. And I really hate knowing that a lot, but not because I can’t own up to my part in it all, instead the frustration and anger comes from knowing that I’ve held out for SO G.D. LONG, thinking that “one day” things will be different, but now I know more than ever, that that’s just never going to happen.
I also HATE that after all these years with him, I’m stuck now, because of ‘so damn many bad circumstances’ from our past, and so now, financially, I can’t even get out, in any kind of ‘healthy or sane’ way. And to me, there’s nothing worse than –knowing that– now.
Well, I was going to turn this into a rant about all the crappy ugly things he’s done to me in our marriage, but the thing is; I know that if we had been truly right for each other, then none of those things would have happened… because he’s NOT the worst person in the world, and neither am I. Again: what we are, is just not really right for each other. I see now that all our differences is what makes us wrong for each other, or mainly, the fact that I was always willing to meet him half way but he was not the compromising type. I thought that by my examples that he’d want to reciprocate, I know now that I was wrong to have ever believed that about him…
Why the hell it took me ALL this time to come to this point, again: I see that I have only myself to blame for that… my will is so VERY strong, and so I WANTED this marriage to work, so I mainly focused on that. I was NOT going to let anything else sway me from that ultimate desire. Sadly, it has taken someone like me, ‘too damn long’ to finally realize that sometimes, quitting is the best thing that a person can do, ‘for everyone involved’.
So, if there’s anyone out there reading this, let this be a warning to you.
DON’T do what I’ve done, DON’T hold out like I have, because you may end up just like me now: a hell of a lot older, and now also cut off from any real way of making any kind of a clean and sane break; both financially and emotionally.
Hindsight being what it is for me, I know now that staying so long in a relationship like mine, first ‘for love’ (we each had our own take on what that was, and sadly, I didn’t understand, for far too many years, that there are SO MANY MANY kinds of love: he loves me like a person loves an object, but that kind of love is NOT something I like, or can now live with. And that sometimes you CAN love someone with all your heart, like I did for him, but that DOES NOT mean you can still live with them) and then ‘for the sake of idealism of what a marriage is supposed to be’ (now I see that there REALLY is NO SIN in ending a marriage if it’s just NOT working out) and then even after that ‘for the kids’ (I understand now that my kids suffered more, with two parents who were NOT ever really meshing/getting along together), was all wrong.
Thank you, any readers out there, for your time.