• One Hell of a Love Story

    by  • March 3, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 0 Comments

    May I tell a stranger a story?
    May I take a few moments of your time,
    Just to share with someone what’s happened in the past two years?
    May I try and put some inspiration out there?
    May I show you that you always bounce back from rock bottom?
    That sometimes love comes in different forms in many different ways?
    May I prove that to you?
    May I tell you my story, even though it’s long?
    May you say anything you want.

    But if I may tell you this, and you read it all, thank you.

    It all really began December 10th, 2010.
    The day we started texting.
    My life never stayed that the same after that day.
    This was the day I met the guy to whom I now wish to be with for years to come.
    This texting, becoming friends lasted for three weeks, until December 26th, which had been the day we met in person for the first time (he lives about an hour and half away). At the time, I was fourteen and he was seventeen (yes, we were young then, and we’re young now), and he was always shy normally and I liked him so much that nothing really happened. I leaned on his shoulder, we held hands, he left the same day he came.
    That was the last time I saw him until November 10th, 2012.

    What happened for that year, ten months, and fifteen days?

    Everything. Everything and anything. Everything I wanted. Everything I didn’t want. Everything I never expected. So many bad things. But so many good things.

    He told me he loved me at midnight on New Years, from the last minute of 2010 to the first minute of 2011. He wrote me a song, which is still on Youtube. But more importantly, he told me he loved me. He told me this lie for three weeks. I was foolish to believe that he always would, like he said. I was young. I still am. And I still haven’t stopped falling.
    But the point is: he lied. He thought he loved me, but realized he didn’t. We broke up. He dated someone else for the next few months.
    We remained friends and I kept liking him more and more, and he liked me less and less. Finally, in July of 2011, he finally told me off.
    This was getting old.
    I liked him.
    He obviously didn’t like me.
    “Let it go,” he told me.
    I didn’t.
    But I deleted him out of my phone, my Facebook. Still watched his Youtube videos. I hated his original evoL. A song about how his heart was always being broken. What about me? I never broke your heart. You broke mine.
    But what does it even matter?
    Why am I still hung up on it?
    Is it worth hating him?
    Of course not.
    So I put it behind me.
    And when I did, all I could think about was going back.
    I know. I’m stupid.
    I went back.
    I’m stupid.
    The day of his birthday (which was in October), I wished him a happy one, and apologized.
    He thanked me and told me no, he should be apologizing for all the shit he’s put me through.
    So we’re friends and, I’m probably still stupid.
    And I was!
    We talked about hanging out again sometime.
    He told me he still wanted to kiss me, since we never did.
    But I was let down, seeing that change of relationship status on Facebook (we’re in December 2012 now).
    But this one only lasted about a month.
    When I texted him about, being single, I racked up my courage and said.
    “Well, on the bright side, at least now you can flirt.”
    He agreed.
    Everything changed. No, I mean everything really changed this time.
    January 23rd, 2012. This was the day I got a skype. This was the first time he and I skyped. This was the first time I saw his face since December 2010.
    In December ’10, his hair was short. And he was shy.
    in January ’12, his hair was long. Long to his shoulders. He straightened (if he didn’t, it’d be ridiculously curly) and he wasn’t so shy anymore.
    Not so much with me; we did know each other quite well.
    We skyped three times that night, I think. And every night for a few months.
    We established a friend with benefit relationship.
    I still never saw him in person though.
    By now, he was 18, and I was 15.
    And I was still foolish.
    I’ll admit, things got quite flirtatious on skype, and seldom via text.
    No photos.
    Maybe something on cam but…yeah.
    I was falling in love with him all over again.
    But in a different way. I felt so much more.
    But I was hurt again.
    He started dating someone else.
    And he never told me.
    But I saw it on Facebook.
    That relationship status change.
    I kept pretending like I didn’t know for a month.
    Still flirting, just to see if he’d stop me.
    He didn’t.
    He’d gently let me down but sometimes he’d slip up.
    Why do I still like him?
    I can’t explain it.
    The idiot in my brain kept wanting him.
    But the idiot in my brain also felt bad when he fucked up his relationship.
    But he messed things up in a way that wouldn’t be fixed. They were done, over.
    And we resumed what we had before. But I was tired. Tired of never being something more.
    Tired of never getting to see him.
    But something changed in August.

    The way he looked at me on skype was as if he was just absolutely adoring me.
    Our conversations lasted four to five hours instead of one to two.
    He wanted me to stay on until he fell asleep.
    I made him feel safe.
    He’d smile the smile of his that I love so much.
    He’d smile and he’d tell me it was because he can’t help but smile around me.
    He’d tell me he’d miss me.
    He’d tell me he adored me.
    No, no, let me word that differently.
    He tells me he misses me.
    He tells me he adores me.
    He started telling me he wuvs me. And he still does.
    He still tells me that I’m the most beautiful girl in the world.

    He’d be the first to ask if we could sleep together on skype.
    One morning, when we woke up, he asked me to move in with him.
    I said yes, but for a few weeks, I couldn’t even comprehend what had happened. Within those weeks, on another morning in which we had slept together through skype, I asked him how long he had thinking about it.
    He told me it had been before he began dating his most recent ex.
    To this day, I never asked why he had dated her if he had been considering living with me, the only girl he considered. I’ve decided on not asking, only because he and that ex had an upsetting end. But I still wonder…

    But to go on, we had decided on only seeing each other, but never calling each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.”
    It went on until October.
    Right before his birthday, he wanted to end things.
    Because in two years, he wanted to move states away.
    To pursue his dreams of being a musician. He can’t bring me along. He won’t let me give up on going to art school, to give up on my dreams, for him. He wouldn’t let me throw away a potential future to try and be apart of his. One where we’d always be on the road.
    I know this is reasonable.
    But I begged him to stay with me at least until the two years are up/
    But he wouldn’t let me get more and more attached, so it’d hurt more. But I couldn’t imagine a pain worse than what I had felt then.
    For three nights in a row, we skyped. The first when he told me, the second when I cried, and told him I loved him, being confirmed of the truth that he still doesn’t love me. The third night, we stayed on til midnight, for it was his birthday. He was nineteen now. And I was still broken hearted.
    The only way I could fix this was to see him.
    And guess what?
    I did.

    My dad told me to have him come the weekend of my birthday (our birthday’s are two weeks and a day apart (his late October, mine early November)) and spend the night.
    I told him about this opportunity and he accepted it, with much excitement if I might add. And I got to see him.
    And it saved us. One night with him and he told me he’d stay.
    He wanted to be with me.
    After that night, he referred to me as his girlfriend and himself as my boyfriend.

    Since that day, November 10th, I’ve seen him four more additional times.
    Since that day, we’ve been together, officially.
    Yes, he is nineteen and I am sixteen, but our parents approve and I get to spend the night with him every time he comes over.
    Obviously we don’t sleep in the same bed, but we don’t have a bedtime either.
    Everything’s perfect right?
    I’ve been stupidly chasing this guy for two years and now he actually wants me as much as I do.
    We make each other happy.
    We have chemistry.
    We have passion.
    We have dreams in which we figured out a way to share.
    We have a future planned.
    By future, I mean career and living arrangements, not marriage. We don’t talk about things like that. Though he did mention us adopting two kids since I said I wasn’t sure about wanting to go through birth.
    But you get it.
    Love, or “Wuv” as he says.
    But it’s not. Because I recently found out he HAS to move states away.
    He lives with his mother and step dad, since the college he currently goes to is so close to home.
    But now his step-dad got a job way far away. Like Minnesota far away. And he can’t afford to balance jobs, college and having money to live here.
    He made life he finally loves, and it all has to change again.
    He doesn’t want to leave me.
    He doesn’t want to leave his best friend.
    And I don’t want him to go either.
    But he has to. And not in two years. In about three months.

    When I found out, I was scared.
    I was scared he’d want to leave me behind.
    But he doesn’t.
    He refuses to let me go.
    I guess it’s pretty incredible.
    For once he’s the one who refuses to let me go.
    It’s not one-sided.
    We both want this.
    We don’t want to lose the future we can have.
    It’s the damn future.

    The future is perfect.
    Everything about our future is perfect.
    But the present is getting in our way.
    So many obstacles.
    We want to get through.
    But sometimes I fear we won’t be able to.
    I am enough, but do I really believe that?

    So if you’re still with me, I’ll just let you know that our story is still going.

    And yes, the future is frightening me. I know it’s frightening him, too.
    It’s not only having to be further away from me, it’s creating an entire new life in a very different place. New town, new college, new places, new people.
    I want to change things, so he doesn’t have to deal with the anxiety of all of this.
    But sometimes change is way out our your control, and it’s scary.
    What’s going to happen?
    Will we be strong enough to make it through?
    I don’t know those answers but I do know I will do everything I can to make things work.
    I know, I know, I’m young.
    But for now, I’m not going to meet anyone who makes me feel the way he does. I live in a small town, and I’m not going anywhere until college.
    If I meet someone there, then I’ll just deal with that when it comes.
    But right now?

    I want this.
    And if you’re still reading well…
    Thanks for taking your time.
    And I wonder what you think of me.
    Maybe you think I’m an idiot,
    Insane or perhaps
    You admire that I still tried.
    Maybe you thought of someone you love while reading this.
    Or maybe, my story will change something in you.
    I don’t know but…thank you for letting me share.
    I needed it.

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