• To Myself… and possibly you

    by  • March 2, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    It was almost two years ago I wrote my letter to you. A letter I would never send, a letter with words that I could never express to you because the words themselves were a sign of our unhealthy relationship.
    I still check to see you if have read it, for some reason I was certain that you would indeed write back. That you would include intimate moments with clever key words, that I would know to search for.
    It’s been two years and this is my follow up but it’s not to you, it’s to myself.
    For four years I have been in long term relationships. Two years with one man and two years with another man. I have never spent a day in my adult life single… I’m not terrified, I’m not worried, I’m far to selfdetermined and rational to be that way. However I am a little confused and very angry. What on Earth was I trying to accomplish with these two relationships? In on relationship it was love, it was true young love that blossomed into an adult, grown up companionship… and as adult we realized we couldnt get over on major bump. I then moved on to another man. He was nice, but we had problems. I knew we had problem, and now I am sitting her two years later very angry that you allowed such a relationship to continue. My heart hurts because I abused it.
    It’s a Friday night and I cant go out because I am so distracted with my lack of identity. I have always been the partner to another person, I’ve always had responsiblities to follow through on and a relationship to function within. Who the hell am I? What do I do with this?
    My physical body seem foreign to me. I judge the pace of my steps because it’s the only aspect that has been consistent… I’ve always walked fast. Maybe that’s my problem, I walk quickly to arrive at a destination and once I arrive I am always missing something.
    Somewhere in the past four years, I left my own identity behind. I apparently need to date myself for a while… and in the meantime I am going to feel lonely and confused but that’s what happens when you dont know the person you are with. My new goal is to walk a little slower and prepare a little better. I am going to do the same with myself; me, myself, and I will be dating for a long time before I pair my identity with another person.

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