• Some days

    by  • February 14, 2013 • To You • 7 Comments

    Here it is.
    I am about to exorcise all of my demons. Just this once, and then leave them here. A stream of conscience, comin’ right at you.

    I am still attached to you and that’s the reason I act the way I do. I act like a little fucking kid and I realize how pathetic it is. I need validation from everyone around me, and when I don’t receive it I go insane. I know how immature it is to live this way, I know how destructive it can be to me and those who are close to me, but I can’t change. Believe me, I’ve tried.

    I’ve got so many pipe dreams that I don’t feel like I’ll ever be satisfied with my life. I’m hungry for everything, but most of all I need recognition. This is my downfall because I will go to great (admittedly embarrassing) lengths to satiate my hunger. I hate myself for this. I wish I could be content with the life I’m meant to have and just accept that there are more important things than other people’s validation. But, fuck it. I have to live with it and I should be happy for you. You’ve got your life figured out, great friends, a career planned out, a life of your own.

    I know that I should be happy for you, and I honestly am. I just recognize the side of me that wants you will only hold both of us back. It’s fucked up and it tears me apart everyday. These anxieties were not my choice, but I know very well that you should not have to deal with them anymore. I think that’s what scares me the most; the fact that you know more about me than anyone in my life. I have trouble letting people in, even my own family.

    There are months that go by when I don’t think of you at all. It’s an amazing feeling really, even if it sounds terrible. Look at me: I’m young, dumb, sack full of cum. Some days that’s all I really need. But when life sucks, I feel completely alone. I can’t deal with the person that I am; a neurotic, worried little man in a crowd of people who know how to manage themselves. There is something seriously wrong with me and right now I am not sure if that’s a gift or a curse.

    I’ve known that I was different for a long time. I craved attention as a child, a fuckin’ clown begging for laughs. Now I’m Marlon Brando in clown paint, funny, but not that same. Clowns shouldn’t cry. But it’s this difference, this obsessive behavior, that will be my badge of honor some day. I’ll be proud of myself and I’ll worry for others more than I worry for myself. I’ll replace self-loathing with love, fear with courage, and talent with family. When I learn how to control this, I will be unstoppable, motherfuckin’ force to be reckoned with.

    I’ve tried countless remedies for my constant turmoil: booze, weed, hookups, dates. Nothing have ever come close to the way I felt knowing that you were there for me. You genuinely cared about me, and I really needed that. I still do. Some day, I’ll find another who will make me feel this way again. Then we can both be happy. But, right now it’s hard for me to let go.

    I know this wont last forever. I feel like it will, but at some point I’ll wake up and realize that I’m not just a punching bag. I know I am destined for greatness. I know I am. I will be the happiest man in the world. Whether I will have an award in my hand, or a bottle, I’m not so sure. You’ll be there too, beautiful, sweet, understanding you. You’re already on your way to greatness. I admire that about you, always have a plan to get to your goals. I’ve got a lot more work to do and a lot of dark days and sleepless nights ahead. But when I’m out of these woods, we can finally be together. Not romantically, but as friends. Best friends. We’ll grab coffee and talk about it when it happens. Whenever that is.

    Until then, I want you to be happy. As much as it sucks to be the one that’s drowning in his quarter-life crisis, I’ve got to suck it up and plow through. The light’s there, I can see it.

    7 Responses to Some days

    1. wishes are for fishes
      February 15, 2013 at 8:14 am

      You express that sentiment of not yet having found your place in the world so well, and for all your berating of yourself, you should be happy to have the cognitive ability to be so self aware. Best of luck in your pursuit of everything you want, pipe dream or not.

    2. Spirited
      February 15, 2013 at 10:21 am

      Regarding my situation – friends works, when and if he’s ever ready. Hopefully that day comes because it’s unlikely anyone would ever understand him (nor him me) on such a level as we’ve both dealt with similar situations. And both are stubborn. I’ve moved on to better and brighter, given the maturity level BUT will always care in some ways. We’ve dealt with the same, I worry. I hope he finds his way out of it to become what he is destined to be as well. Sad smile.

    3. .
      February 15, 2013 at 10:48 am

      I always come to this website and try to read into other people’s letters to make them fit with you and our situation…but this one is different. This one made my heart beat faster because every detail screams that you really wrote it. Either way, I have some unsolicited advice…

      The only thing stopping you from changing is the attitude that it’s impossible to change. That’s a fucking cop out and you seem smart enough to know this. Your “remedies” are so obviously the wrong ones, but you continually turn to those temporary band-aids to fix problems that are going to take time and more energy than you realize to get through. This has always been the case with my guy and it breaks my heart a little every time I get wind of his behavior…because I know he is better than that, I want to tell him so, but the actions i hear about make it that much more impossible for me to let him back into my life.

      I can tell you from personal experience, the only way that you are going to achieve the level of growth you are seeking is to hit a kind of “rock bottom” and to decide to change EVERYTHING. You’re going to have to Andy Dufresne that shit – crawl through a river of it and come out clean on the other side. Let me clarify, you don’t have to be a different person, but your outlook and priorities can’t remain the same.

      You don’t have to do it alone either, you can’t. That kind of thinking is probably what’s holding you back so much. There is no way in hell that I could have gotten to where I am today without everyone I love who helped me through it all. I was broken. Fucking shattered. But then I was shown exactly who truly cares for me and was able to appreciate and use that love to rebuild myself, stronger and wiser than before. That experience actually makes me cherish the pain I went through because it made me the person that you think has it all “figured out” (fyi, i really don’t, no one does).

      Here’s one comforting thought, though: This person that you think doesn’t care about you anymore probably thinks about you more than she’s willing to admit. Because as much as it would help to ease the pain, you can’t turn that shit off – believe me I’ve tried so fucking hard and it’s actually a little comical that I thought I could outsmart loving someone.

      I would honestly love to be there for my lost friend – that coffee date that it seems we’ve both fantasized about (of course, tu many similarities always) can happen sooner rather than later – but current circumstances and our general history stop me every time I reach for my phone to contact him. So it sucks, but it’s going to have to be you (if this is you)…Your move, chief.

    4. M73
      February 15, 2013 at 6:54 pm

      all of this made me cry.

    5. ...
      February 16, 2013 at 1:13 am

      This hit a little too close to home.

    6. nd
      February 16, 2013 at 10:02 am

      thx for sharing. amazing person doing amazing work. must be incredibely interesting and driven, honest kind full of integrity. a pretty incredible person. god never mkes mistakes. she seems beautiful inside and out. you are very lucky and blessed. what the hell are you doing here? go home to your partner. and love her.
      sure friends over coffee someday when youre ready. i dont understand why you lied. did you ever think i would sabotage your relationship? I would never do that to anyone. ever.
      i wont write anymore. be happy. noone wants to be lonely. and I for one am happy you are not. friends yes. if you ever choose it. but not this not anymore.
      thank you for everything the good and the bad. thanks for coming back even though it may have been very hard to do it to one so good. dont do it to her anymore. dont. make u your mind and stretch those months that go by with no thought out to years and decades all it requires is commitment and when you set your mind to it universe will back you up make a daily ommitment to be true to her.

      you aksed me if care about you yes i do and always will. deeply.
      thats wont change even if I have a lobotomy heart transplant
      I am so happy you are happy and you have someone.
      love in friendship,

    7. Jordan
      February 17, 2013 at 10:22 am

      Holy shit, you’re a mind magician.

      The craving for reinforcement is because your not happy with yourself. You’re not happy with yourself because you have a past of being awesome but the present isn’t reflecting this. You do not take steps towards your future, despite the dreams, because you feel like you are currently unable to do whatever to a level you’ll be happy with (in your current state). So you wait for things to change because what goes up must come down.

      Spend some time being serious. Don’t try to do anything; just do what you can. Nobody misses the clown.

      P.S. You sound exactly like I did after my last big break up. Maybe see a doctor if things get worse. Stay away from substances… trust me on this one.

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