Here it is.
I am about to exorcise all of my demons. Just this once, and then leave them here. A stream of conscience, comin’ right at you.
I am still attached to you and that’s the reason I act the way I do. I act like a little fucking kid and I realize how pathetic it is. I need validation from everyone around me, and when I don’t receive it I go insane. I know how immature it is to live this way, I know how destructive it can be to me and those who are close to me, but I can’t change. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’ve got so many pipe dreams that I don’t feel like I’ll ever be satisfied with my life. I’m hungry for everything, but most of all I need recognition. This is my downfall because I will go to great (admittedly embarrassing) lengths to satiate my hunger. I hate myself for this. I wish I could be content with the life I’m meant to have and just accept that there are more important things than other people’s validation. But, fuck it. I have to live with it and I should be happy for you. You’ve got your life figured out, great friends, a career planned out, a life of your own.
I know that I should be happy for you, and I honestly am. I just recognize the side of me that wants you will only hold both of us back. It’s fucked up and it tears me apart everyday. These anxieties were not my choice, but I know very well that you should not have to deal with them anymore. I think that’s what scares me the most; the fact that you know more about me than anyone in my life. I have trouble letting people in, even my own family.
There are months that go by when I don’t think of you at all. It’s an amazing feeling really, even if it sounds terrible. Look at me: I’m young, dumb, sack full of cum. Some days that’s all I really need. But when life sucks, I feel completely alone. I can’t deal with the person that I am; a neurotic, worried little man in a crowd of people who know how to manage themselves. There is something seriously wrong with me and right now I am not sure if that’s a gift or a curse.
I’ve known that I was different for a long time. I craved attention as a child, a fuckin’ clown begging for laughs. Now I’m Marlon Brando in clown paint, funny, but not that same. Clowns shouldn’t cry. But it’s this difference, this obsessive behavior, that will be my badge of honor some day. I’ll be proud of myself and I’ll worry for others more than I worry for myself. I’ll replace self-loathing with love, fear with courage, and talent with family. When I learn how to control this, I will be unstoppable, motherfuckin’ force to be reckoned with.
I’ve tried countless remedies for my constant turmoil: booze, weed, hookups, dates. Nothing have ever come close to the way I felt knowing that you were there for me. You genuinely cared about me, and I really needed that. I still do. Some day, I’ll find another who will make me feel this way again. Then we can both be happy. But, right now it’s hard for me to let go.
I know this wont last forever. I feel like it will, but at some point I’ll wake up and realize that I’m not just a punching bag. I know I am destined for greatness. I know I am. I will be the happiest man in the world. Whether I will have an award in my hand, or a bottle, I’m not so sure. You’ll be there too, beautiful, sweet, understanding you. You’re already on your way to greatness. I admire that about you, always have a plan to get to your goals. I’ve got a lot more work to do and a lot of dark days and sleepless nights ahead. But when I’m out of these woods, we can finally be together. Not romantically, but as friends. Best friends. We’ll grab coffee and talk about it when it happens. Whenever that is.
Until then, I want you to be happy. As much as it sucks to be the one that’s drowning in his quarter-life crisis, I’ve got to suck it up and plow through. The light’s there, I can see it.