• Soft

    by  • December 30, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Gratitude • 1 Comment

    Thank you for taking it slow with me. For being gentle, soft. Thank you for understanding that I’m still learning. Thank you for seeing that I am trying my best to not be afraid. I know you are not like those who have treated me roughly in the past, but I am still unsure of myself.

    Somehow, it is unspoken – you figured this all out on your own. You diagnosed the situation better than even I; you prescribed a tender sweetness I have never before tasted.

    Thank you for teaching me. I do not know how long we have together, but I am enjoying every minute of it. You are my very dearest friend; from you I have discovered so much – I am ever grateful.

    -MLM

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    One Response to Soft

    1. My Darling- Beyond The Beyond
      August 30, 2013 at 3:46 pm

      Thank you if you decide to read this my darling M,

      As I read this my heart more than just melted. If only I had known why you were like you were I would have tried even harder. I have not cried in a while yet this made me instantaneously. I have never felt so bad for what I’ve said to you. There are no words that can describe how bad I feel that I’ve hurt you. I know how you were very sensitive but I never realised or knew how much previous emotional trauma you had endured before me, & then for me to react to you and be what you dreaded most…this MAN hangs his head in shame for I never would wish this upon another nor the way in which I have acted. My father dying was no excuse I see now as I should have been able to handle his death as it was imminent:(

      I have sifted through these letters & I am so saddened that you have been pouring your heart out for so long.You must feel so disrespected & rightly so, my only wish is that you would have made me the “letter” as I would have listened if you had shared these thoughts with me had I know to why you weren’t talking with me. How was I to know as you never told me these things? I wasn’t any better either & neither of us was to blame. If it makes you feel better I will shoulder that blame as what I sent by email was far worse than what I’ve read on here. There was no excuse nor shall I give you one as what I said has been said. No wonder you did what you did & I’m at a loss for what to say(imagine how long this would be if I wasn’t:) You know what upset me & I still stand with “SOME” of what I said & I say this with an open calm clear mind, as that is what brought my trust issues on. I did believe you I hope you know. I only wanted reassurance? Was that too much to ask? I felt like it was by your reactions.I not worried what other’s think of me, only what you think or say and I feel so guilty for not trusting you enough & I feel so much pain for making you feel that I couldn’t trust you. YOU must feel so angry at me for not trusting you to be faithful while we were together. I only asked originally to meet him? Remember, to put me at ease. You wouldn’t & things like that arouse suspicion in any man. All men. Was losing one friend so bad compared to me. I will never know. I have never been wrong on my gut feelings, I believed you were innocent to this as you have been pure & honest from the start & now I’ve tarnished you even more.

      After reading a letter today saying otherwise as it had “wife” in it regarding a relationship & being cheated on I hope that isn’t you, & if it is well that is life & life goes on. I like so many here get lost and think “hey it’s them” 🙁 just as I’ve seen you do when you think it’s me. It’s not as I am being good, or better you may say. I’m trying and I won’t write negative stuff anyway now as I’m on the 30 day challenge??? slipped already:(

      I have wronged you by venting on here, no wonder you knew I was here, & to think I came across
      here by chance and didn’t even know you were here…to start with until you started replying.

      I realise this isn’t enough to repair the damage that I cost the relationship & I’m not expecting you to forgive me now or ever or anything in fact, I only write this for you to know that I really am sorry. What happened to us? I look back, not just at your letters(that is how in tune we were, I can tell YOU:) like you said & this is a fear I had, & I didn’t fear much? Only Great White Sharks & Salt Water Crocodiles! When we were together it was great-more than magical!, and then the longer you wished to have apart the more distant and silly things would pop up that we would then be disrespectful to each other. I brought this up & as deep down I knew this would happen eventually. Yet I never gave up & still haven’t as that is how much I love you. It stops here today though for if you want it not then I shall not disrespect you further & shall move on in my life. That was what I feared most-losing YOU, the woman who was my soulmate/my twin flame I even thought… To slowly watch the woman you love pull away week by week from you when I tried so many times to discuss & do everything in my physical power with you and then for you to let my hand go as I had re-opened old wounds which you were only protecting that huge loving heart from being hurt like so many times before.

      I meant what I said in that future wife letter. I haven’t been with another and have done everything to prove to you this could have worked. All it has done like the distance thing is drive a bigger wedge between us. Even what happened to my job-I don’t care as it’s only a job at the end of the day, I’ve got another one, regarding Igor….this will surprise you? Yes I did to that answer, but only for about a week in total as I was so lost, I tried it nothing more. No one understands men lose weight from distress to a broken heart, especially as like you I’m a hopeless romantic and give it my all. When you lose that love WOW does it hurt.

      I disagree with you saying I’m not spiritual, I’m more connected than I’ve ever been & thanks to you. Thank you.It scares the living shit out of me because of my new found awareness. This is probably why I’ve gone off tangent here as now I READ I into stuff to much…mainly here as no one see’s what is going on in real life as I’ve hid it quite well. I hope you are alright & are healing, I am to a degree as I haven’t given up on you. I know it’s a dream not wanted by you & that’s ok. We should have operated out of a spiritual co-operation & connection from the start? I do this with everyone I know…You will laugh as I listen and think before I speak, that’s a big change for a man who once was an extravert. Do you know I stay home most nights during the week now. Alone time and all. It took long you to understand why.

      I should have tried harder & work out my issues by myself with you & communicated how I am with you now. With compassion, sympathy, LOVE, & the word which I threw around to much INTEGRITY.

      As I know I will highly unlikely see you again:( please remember that I choose you as you me for I knew I wanted you before we even met. We talked for two weeks on the phone hours every time about everything. We connected like I have never before. I still remember me saying I so want to kiss you & I haven’t even met you? Remember? When we did meet that Friday night it took me ages to muster up the courage to do it for I realised I had put myself on the spot & was embarrassed as I didn’t want to come across as just some guy. The funniest part to that whole night, an extravaganza, yes it so was lol, was when we went to the restaurant & you were saying to the waitress why the dish you wanted wasn’t on it…you said ” What sort of Thai restaurant is this”?! & I quickly said M…whoops nearly said your name…”Its a Vietnamese restaurant”, we both burst out laughing…I remember the rest of that wild night & didn’t leave your place for three days.. you exhausted me & not just physically, my voice box & ears hehe, from the non-stop talking and listening.

      I LOVE YOU & always will. You have been the best most amazing & challenging:) woman I have ever been with in my life & I regret none of it. Not one bit. I was I heaven every moment I was with you as you were my heaven on earth, you were my inspiration, You were my true love, my best friend, you were everything & more, you were the first woman I decided work can come second as you were all that was what I held sacred. I wanted to be the adventure & you the destination so together it was a journey of magic of biblical proportions!

      We are all human & we all make mistakes & it how we then handle them that matters. I’ve grown more in the time apart than I could have ever expected. I can even do the splits as Yoga makes you quite flexible lol.

      MLD xco

      P.S. Yes everyone it is me, I ask you all just this one favour humbly, not that I can ask it or deserve it yet ask it I shall. Can you all not please comment just this once as this is for her alone? I understand if ppl don’t & why I have no right to ask think & don’t & can’t expect it.




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