I’m writing this so I can read it and remember … when I want to contact you, when I’m convincing myself that you want to hear from me, or that you’re missing me, to stop and remember what you said. You were the one that finished it; you said it’s best to stop the day to day contact, that it will make it easier for both of us to move on; you said it was a relief in some ways (I think that hurt the most); you said what you want to do and what you’re prepared to do are different; you don’t want to carry on, you don’t want to see me, you don’t want any of it.
I have to remember all of this … when I’m waking up from dreams of you and I miss you so much; when i’m desperate for a message or a text from you; when I wish I hadn’t defriended you on FB because I have to go onto his facebook to see if you are ever online (not that I can then talk to you!); when I feel that the only thing that will make me feel better even for a little while is your kiss, your arms around me, just you actually.
I have to remember that I’ve played it through in my mind so many times … what would happen if we were together; it was a wonderful dream, we were great together; but I couldn’t handle what it did to my family and what I know they would go through. I selfishly just want those times that we were having; to hold you, kiss you and wake up with you when we had chance, even though I know it’s wrong. But I know deep down it should stop, it’s the right decision, the best way. I just don’t want it to stop, not one bit. I want you.
I have to keep on trying not to contact you because I’ve tried to be your friend and although I wish I could be, it doesn’t work … I know we will never be together, I could never leave; you could never leave. I don’t want to go into the New Year without you but I have to; I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without you but I have to. All the songs remind me of you, lots of them make me cry. So many people would critise, but there’s no way to understand this unless you’ve been in the same position. The problem is I actually think I love two people … and it’s the worst feeling in the world