Is this ever going to get easier? If so when? I wish I could have talked to you at Christmas, I missed talking to you. But I didn’t want to say ‘Happy Christmas’. It isn’t that I don’t want you to be happy, I do. But it will never be with me so I just don’t want to think about your happy future without me. See I am a real bah humbug aren’t I?!
Are you feeling better about it all yet? Do you still think about me? I tend to think you probably just feel relieved and I wish I didn’t think that because it hurts that you might feel that way. I have to write it all down on here, it does help but mainly it’s stopping me from contacting you and telling you the same old things … getting the same old answers. It doesn’t get either of us anywhere.
I sometimes wonder if you will see the letters or if you would recognise them as written to you, probably not though. The other night I had a dream I was back with you in the first room we shared, that big comfy bed, the fireplace, the amazing jacuzzi bath … I felt good again and actually woke up with a smile on my face for the first time in ages. It didn’t last long though … I wish I could feel happy about the memories and not feel like crying. The only nice dreams I ever have are about you, it’s ironic that you’re the one I’ll never be with. I can’t erase my life and I know you can’t either, our lives are just how we planned them to be. It’s just so confusing as I know this is how it has to be and I’m trying so hard to get on with it, but you’re always there in my mind … why do I still want you with me so much, why do I still miss you so much …