When does a crush become unhealthy? When does wishful thinking start to break you down? When does dreaming become a waste of time? I am still in love with the person I’ve watched from afar. We’ve never shared an true in depth conversation. We’ve never shared true physical contact. Nothing. I’m pretty sure he does not even know I am in existence. Yes I see him every day, yes we lightly chat and run in the same social circle, but that’t not good enough. I want more. I want to be closer to him. I want to feel him as more than just an associate.
I’ve literally put him on a pedestal and put my true self on the shelf. But i’ll never be able to get to close to him because i’m not good enough. He is simply perfection and I am nothing. He has the world at his feet. Matter of fact the world is beneath his feet. He has the world and I’ve got nothing. What do I even have to offer to him? Nothing. I AM NOTHING TO HIM. I WILL FOREVER BE NOTHING TO HIM. I SUCK.
Ahn Trio: All I Want basically describes how I feel. It’s like i’m having a inner battle with myself it’s like I want him but I cant have him and I know it would be better if I left him alone.
Then I Dreamed A Dream from Les Mis basically describes the whole situation because I Dreamed better for myself and instead i’m just in a depressed state. Unable to truly be happy for myself or at all because he is constantly on my mind and I will never be good enough for him.
Like he is starting to effect my home life, my social life. Every aspect of my life basically because all I think about is him. I’m even going to attempt to fill my void for him with someone else. I need him in someway and if someone else can help me fill his void then i’ll take it.
At this point he is my drive. He is the fuel to everything I do. I’ve become obsessed and I am truly ashamed of it. He’s driven me insane. But I refuse to speak to him. I refuse to act like he’s around because I want to act cooler than him. I want to act better than him. I want to be him.
In all honesty I am not even truly attracted to him. I am attracted to his potential success. The idea of him being a success story invigorates my mind and tingles my senses. It makes me mentally orgasm, and sadly i’ll never be able to have that for myself. Because I’ve thrown away my great chances.
So now I have to suffer the consequences and not having him or not having what he has is my punishment.