I really didn’t intend on these feelings to come across this way. At first it was a simple infatuation with someone I thought I could never have. Then, that one night we went out together showed me a side of you I never thought I’d see. After such a night, you walk me to my door and I’m holding you in an embrace, hoping for more. I turn away, and you grab my hand and kiss me goodnight. I cannot seem to forget our first kiss. It was bittersweet, because all I could do was hope to see you again.
Shortly after that we see each other again, and we are bound by the temptation of each other. Our second kiss soon leads to more; something more physical. It was the first night of intimacy we’ve shared. It was more than fucking for me, but something more intimate and passionate. I knew then I was falling for you. After such a night, you and I part once more. Again, you walk me to my door and give me a kiss goodnight. It’s those little gestures that get to me, that leave me in a chokehold.
After several consecutive nights our routine became the same, which made me wonder if you ever did feel the same about me. I knew a part of me would be idealizing the thought maybe we could be together, maybe you felt more. To be honest, I just wasn’t sure and detaching myself from us seemed like something that would make sense, so I wouldn’t get hurt.
Within the times, I’ve found myself slowly detaching myself until I saw you again. Yet, when I saw you, those feelings of removal disappeared. Then came the night you invited me to sleepover, something I never expected. It was the one night that felt as if we saw each other for what we were; humans with a deeper depth to ourselves. We became vulnerable in the lightest sense of talking about feelings. Course, for some reason I always said I want nothing more. That is a lie; I want more, I want you to be with me.
After that night, no intimacy happened, but waking up to you was something that is beyond words. In the simplest sense, it was waking up beside you and feeling safe. A feeling I haven’t felt since the last person to have a part of me. It was the simple gestures that got to me, from driving me to work to coming over to say goodbye before your flight. Our final goodbye at that moment was bittersweet, just as they always are. In the moment you said you’d miss me, I knew right then I couldn’t remove myself from you no matter how hard I tried.
The other day was my birthday, and I was quite isolated; all I wanted was your comfort. In some way, I feel as if you knew I wanted your comfort. After an emotionally heart aching day, I come home to find something waiting on my front porch. It was a gift from you, which to say the least was something I didn’t expect. Your name was not mentioned on the card, but you wrote memories that signified our times together. What I received showed made me realize why I am continuing to fall for you.
When you arrived home from your flight, I was worried you had forgotten about me; that I was just a phase. I went to work that day, and received a text from you hoping to do something later this week. A part of me was still worried; another part had my heart yearning for you. I decided to surprise you, like you surprised me. I decided to come see you after I was done work. I was meeting someone else there, but the only reason why I went was to see you. When I saw your smile when you noticed me, the feelings just couldn’t be contained inside; while on the outside I tried not to show it.
During that short time we conversed while you were busy working. For me, it was time to leave and go visit that someone. When you said you’re going to show me another exit I was wondering what you were referring to. You walk me out the back door of your restaurant, and close the door ever so slightly so no one can see us; as if we were a forbidden love. You then you pull me close and kiss me. The kiss; the one I have been waiting for two weeks to taste on my lips. It was when you said you were waiting for it as much as I was it stirred something inside of me. You then left to go attend to work, and I went on my way. After I was done seeing that someone, I decided to go stop by and go on my way, back to the war at home. You offered to drive me back, which saved me from the bitter cold.
As I waited patiently for you to be done work I did something I haven’t done in a while. I started writing, which is something I stopped doing for an extensive period of time. The feelings you gave and give me started filling up the pages. Soon it was time to go, but something was different. You had to drive someone else home as well, which to me meant you weren’t interested in my mind for some reason. As you were driving me home, I asked who gets front seat. You said me, without a simple hesitation in your voice. As you were driving me home, we shared a simple quick laughs and anyone could tell there was chemistry between us.
When we finally reach my house, I expected you to drop me off and be on your way. Yet you weren’t. You told the individual in the car you’d be back, and you’re going walk me to my door. It brought an internal smile to me, because it has always been a moment we shared. As we walk towards my door, we both take our places as if we’d be doing it for many more times to come. I stand on my porch; you stand on the bottom step and pull me in for a kiss. Inside of me was this fire that rekindled every memory you and I have. You then simply asked to see me this week, and I asked you to promise we would; you promised.
One thing I’ve learned with our partings, it’s never goodbye but see you soon. It brings some comfort to my mind knowing it’d be soon. I don’t know when soon is, but it’s something that really makes me look forward to our next meeting. Our partings are ever so bittersweet, yet they bring back feelings I haven’t felt in so long.