Why have you gone? Am I too old for you? Too broken?
There are times when you visit me and I can feel the warmth that your aura gives off. But as time passes, as I grow older, you come less frequently. It seems such a cold tasteless world without you. It seems void of colour and hope. A man will come into my life he’ll inspire you to come and you will be there. Always sunny, always loving. Forgiving at a fault. Then he would do something.. unforgivable even by your standards. That is when you disappear, when you escape to the golden meadows and bright beaches of the past. The more it happens the longer you stay gone. Now I never see you. Never feel the warmth you bring. I am never inspired or sunny. I am cynical, critical and cold. I am lonely. I dream of you. You’re distant, like an hallucination in the desert. You’re on a beach, so far from me. When I run to you, anxious and scared, toward the warmth. I get to you and it is not you. It is that cold lifeless reflection again. I grow tired of this reflection. I miss the sunny, warm loving girl I used to see.
Am I too old for you? I’m getting older and seeing profound things, terrible things. I am experiencing the horrors that is the capabilities of people. Men who work hard to have you fall in love with them only to act single, and sleep around. Women who have unconditional love from a relatively attractive man to throw it away for a slightly more attractive boy. I’m getting old, does that always mean cynical. Is that why you stopped coming? Because the men were the same and the women hadn’t really changed?
Am I too broken? So cynical I am these days. No hope in nothing and no one. I can understand you not coming round. Who wants to be squashed by the negative energy that is me? Especially when I make no changes. When I run into the same man and never become a better woman. Life has no meaning for me anymore. I go on for you really. I save my last spark of hope for your return. That you will inspire these blue and grey colours in and around me to become something of purple, white and any other that can be manifested. Please come back to me, I miss the sunny feeling, that bright hope. I miss seeing you in the mirror. What must I do to be you…. again?
With the deepest of love, ME