• Annoyed

    by  • December 22, 2012 • To You • 3 Comments

    I’m so annoyed by you. You just come into my life for a day after all this time to what? Pretend that we never met or talked or fucked or what? I just want to keep a relationship with you of some sort, because I haven’t connected with many people the way I do with you. Why don’t you feel that way? Why aren’t you at least trying? Is it because you don’t want me to figure you out? It didn’t seem that way the last time we were together. You almost seemed desperate for me to keep peeling back the small part of your black personality. That’s how I feel about you. I feel like you are black. So fucking black that you don’t even flinch at the idea of moving forward with your life. It’s so frustrating. Why is it that every time we’re together I feel like we are stranded, mentally, on separate fucking deserted islands. And I have an option. I’m close enough to swim to shore but you’re not. You keep saying don’t send help! And I feel like I can’t leave this fucking island because it is my job to convince you to want to live, to want freedom. Fuck. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall sometimes with you.

    I don’t know who you are and it scares me that someday I’m going to be so upset that we never had a chance to see what this is. I know you want me to keep moving forward but I don’t know you and I don’t trust you. Are you told what to feel about me? Do you have an opinion? Are you even opinionated? Are you skeptical? Are you skeptical enough to have an opinion about the way I choose to lead my life? The priorities I set. Do you feel so strongly that you (educated or not) could even be a positive influence in MY life? I just want to find that out. That’s all. I don’t think we should sleep together. I’m still not convinced about you. You don’t love me like you may think you do. I’m so sick and tired. If you’re with me, I’m sick of their kind. It’s not that I don’t respect their knowledge I just think it is very one-dimensional. Even for those that can see how I might think that you’re still not seeing my point. I want you to realize that.

    There are so many different sides to me and I’m intrigued by which side of me you might accentuate. I’ll leave it at that.

    Just know that I wish you were bolder. I wish you could realize the impact you could have on my life and find meaning in it. I wish you were either less intimidated by the situation enough to be yourself or challenge yourself more to step outside of your comfort zone- for me.


    3 Responses to Annoyed

    1. H
      December 23, 2012 at 6:13 am

      This overwhelmed me a bit, but thank you for writing it. I sometimes make myself unavailable. I never realize that by protecting myself I could be hurting or confusing other people. Especially when I have a random moment or two in the mix where I let my walls down. I need to work on that. But I really feel like this was an opinion I needed to hear.

    2. S
      December 23, 2012 at 9:07 pm

      Sometimes people can’t let down their walls right away. Maybe you’ve hurt them in the past…Maybe you’re going to hurt them any moment…Call them shady and accuse them of doing something you know isn’t true like you may have in the past. This literally just happened to me. That’s why I’m pointing things out. Evaluate what they’ve been through…give them TIME to open up. DON’T PUSH. Pushing doesn’t solve anything. Also, don’t ACCUSE of things you know aren’t possible or true. Not everyone is out to get you.

      Personally I will never, ever ever ever again let ANYONE have a glimpse at what’s going on inside of me for a long long time. Not after what just happened…Others from the past mess it up for the future. Don’t play your cards wrong or you’ll just add fuel to the fire.

    3. E
      December 25, 2012 at 2:29 pm

      Ok, this is for S.

      Pushing doesn’t solve anything, but a person can only pursue for so long. It is not their duty to stay by your side and let your beat their heart against a wall indefinitely. People want to show patience and love, but they can only go so far before the walls and the callousness block them out. There’s too much joy possible to stay in this kind of situation, as I well learned.

      So don’t go making people navigate emotional obstacle courses to get to you. They are not your play toys. People need equal effort. Period.

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