I’m so annoyed by you. You just come into my life for a day after all this time to what? Pretend that we never met or talked or fucked or what? I just want to keep a relationship with you of some sort, because I haven’t connected with many people the way I do with you. Why don’t you feel that way? Why aren’t you at least trying? Is it because you don’t want me to figure you out? It didn’t seem that way the last time we were together. You almost seemed desperate for me to keep peeling back the small part of your black personality. That’s how I feel about you. I feel like you are black. So fucking black that you don’t even flinch at the idea of moving forward with your life. It’s so frustrating. Why is it that every time we’re together I feel like we are stranded, mentally, on separate fucking deserted islands. And I have an option. I’m close enough to swim to shore but you’re not. You keep saying don’t send help! And I feel like I can’t leave this fucking island because it is my job to convince you to want to live, to want freedom. Fuck. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall sometimes with you.
I don’t know who you are and it scares me that someday I’m going to be so upset that we never had a chance to see what this is. I know you want me to keep moving forward but I don’t know you and I don’t trust you. Are you told what to feel about me? Do you have an opinion? Are you even opinionated? Are you skeptical? Are you skeptical enough to have an opinion about the way I choose to lead my life? The priorities I set. Do you feel so strongly that you (educated or not) could even be a positive influence in MY life? I just want to find that out. That’s all. I don’t think we should sleep together. I’m still not convinced about you. You don’t love me like you may think you do. I’m so sick and tired. If you’re with me, I’m sick of their kind. It’s not that I don’t respect their knowledge I just think it is very one-dimensional. Even for those that can see how I might think that you’re still not seeing my point. I want you to realize that.
There are so many different sides to me and I’m intrigued by which side of me you might accentuate. I’ll leave it at that.
Just know that I wish you were bolder. I wish you could realize the impact you could have on my life and find meaning in it. I wish you were either less intimidated by the situation enough to be yourself or challenge yourself more to step outside of your comfort zone- for me.