• I never stood a chance of not loving you

    by  • December 21, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    I have only ever been on one blind date in my life, I wasn’t even supposed to be there, I didn’t even really want to go, I had to sneak out of the window just to meet you. I was 16, you were handsome, smart, so funny, I couldn’t even understand how you could be single. We stayed up until ungodly hours of the morning, talking- laughing- joking. You were so real, so honest so incredibly lovable. I snuck out of my best friends window every night that week, we even pretended to watch Scarface every time we hung out. There was this instant connection, before we even said a word to each other and I know you felt it right away too. The butterflies in my stomach, the giddiness when I knew I was going to see you, and the fireworks from the first time you kissed me- ten years later and all of those feelings are still there, stronger than ever. It took me one night to fall under your spell, I was sixteen back then and I haven’t ever met anyone who can make me feel the way I do when you look into my eyes. I was awkward, scrawny, just a goofball all the time, random and never the girly girl. I used to make excuses to go to the mall, act like I was just saying hi because I was around, when the only reason I was there was for you. I always messed up in front of you, said silly things, embarrassed myself, walked into things or people, I could barely talk around you I was always so nervous, so focused on impressing you. I knew I fell in love with you first, It took everything in me to not tell you every time I saw you, every time your name came across my phone. I waited years to get the courage to tell you, but I spent everyday before and after I told you showing you how much I love you. Surprising you, calling you, texting you, bringing you lunch, sending you emails, pictures, just because in that moment you came across my mind and it made me smile. I have spent ten years being in love with you, I think I fell in love before I even really knew what that meant, and way before I realized how deep that love really ran. You are the only person who has ever been in my life that I would do absolutely anything for, no questions asked. I would try so hard to think of different ways to make you smile, to make your day, or to make you feel better because I have known in my heart for as long as I can remember that seeing you smile, or seeing you happy is the single best moment of my day.

    You told me you loved me, you told me you’re in love with me. The best moment of my life was hearing that out loud, and finally being able to tell you that I love you more. We’re not together, we have never been “officially” together. You don’t tell other girls about me, or make it known that you aren’t single, but it bothers you if guys say anything to me, even though it never fazes me, they’ll never be you. We don’t have an anniversary to celebrate, we only have one photo together in ten years of being in each others lives, one. You don’t call me anymore, you stopped making time, but you keep me around, give me just enough hope to stay. The way other girls talk to you, talk about you, what they say how they say it, and even more how you respond, kills me inside. You tell me you love me, yet you make it seem like I am the reason we aren’t together. Only I called you, after you gave me that classic I’ll call you back line, and you didn’t answer. It’s 12:53, almost one in the morning and I’m awake thinking about you. Where are you, what are you doing, who’s on your mind since I’m not, who are you calling to say goodnight instead of me. Did I make up the past 10 years, gloss it over in my mind, make it seem like you wanted more than you really do in my mind just because I wanted you to feel that way. You’ve never slept over, or spent a holiday with me, not even my birthday or yours for that matter. Was everything all in my mind, did I make up 10 years of happiness based on 10 min of a time when it all seemed so real. Do you love me, or do you just love that I love you with every ounce of who I am? Do you want me in your life, or do you just like that I have made you my whole life? Are you afraid to tell me the truth because of how much I love you, is the truth that the amount of love I have for you, maybe you have that for someone else? If you love someone else, how did that happen, where was I, how was giving you everything I have not enough that you went out looking for more.

    I love you, but I guess you’re too busy to love me back. Maybe one day you’ll actually call me back and set me straight, because it seems I may have mixed up my facts with my feelings and got them criss crossed and

    -Forever waiting for that call.

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