• I’m Sorry for What Happened

    by  • December 20, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Sorry • 1 Comment

    Dear A,

    I’ve had a lot of time to think about what happened between you and me. I mean, for so long I liked you, I really did, but over and over again you were intent on letting me know that the feelings weren’t mutual. I guess when I got into another relationship it was all of a sudden the feeling of, “You’re not here anymore and I want you back,” that made you finally admit it. I mean I can’t pretend like I know why, but that’s basically the sense of it. The only problem was, it was too late. However, your confession left me so confused. I was in the dark in an unfamiliar room without a light, bumping into all the obstacles in the way as I made my through. That’s how I felt about my life for a long time. Eventually, things got bad. I couldn’t ever make up my mind between you and my current relationship. The only advice I was given was that, “You can’t have a true relationship if you’re thinking about someone else,” which is true, but I couldn’t let her go… In the end I did. I let her go and broke her heart. That was when we finally started talking again. You finally got what you wanted, but I can’t blame you because I wanted it too. The only problem was, I wasn’t ready. And this is my point for writing this letter; I wasn’t ready for it. I was so caught up in everything that was happening that I treated you as more of an object than a girlfriend. I mean, I loved spending time with you, but I wish we wouldn’t have spent it in the way we did. That was my fault. I did that to you… In the end it only got worse. We fought over things that made no sense, and other things that came up from the too-recent past. In the end, our relationship became a part of it. You said you would never be ready to be in a relationship with me, and I believed you… I let you walk right out of my life, because I was too hurt to handle rejection again if I tried. I went on a binge after that. I never full got stable for a while. A month at least… and it was bad. I dragged you around with me on a chain, like torturing you. Because little did I know, because I’m a clueless guy, that you just wanted me to fight for you, but again, I was in the dark. So, I kept talking to you, because I didn’t want to completely lose you from my life. And that was my fault, and that is what has always been my fault. I never wanted to fully lose you. So, I would talk to you and tease you, not intentionally, like we would get back together. And to be honest, I wanted to, but I thought you would never have me back. But that’s when a familiar circumstance happened again. My ex-girlfriend took me back, and I didn’t deserve it. And can honestly say I’m happy with her, and she loves me. And I love that I can believe that with all my heart and it won’t change. But again, I dragged you around. We didn’t talk anymore, but at youthgroup there were those times. Those awkward moments where neither one of us knew if we should say hi or not. And it went like that for a long time. On and off, because I didn’t want to lose you from my life. I was so selfish for doing it, because all I did was hurt you. To be honest, I didn’t even understand our relationship anymore. One moment, we would act like old friends again, and then the next you were mad at me, and I hadn’t even talked to you. I didn’t know what to do. Eventually, you got to the point where you finally said you will never talk to me again, and maybe it’s true. But I’ve learned to move on, and that’s good because hopefully then you can too. Hell, what do I know, maybe you moved on a long time ago, and I hope you have, because I want you to be happy. So I’ve learned that letting you be happy means having me out of your life, because it only brings back memories. I can honestly look back from this day and say I want to keep those memories, because they were great. But it comes back to bite me on nights like this when I think of you. But in the end, I just wanted to say sorry. I’m sorry that I always dragged you along and couldn’t let you go, because I took you through so much pain and unsteadiness, just because I was unsteady. Sometimes I just wish I would’ve ran after you when you left, but I’ve learned now that it doesn’t matter. Because what happened, happened, and that won’t change. I figure now you still hate me. I figure now that you still want to never see me again, but I just wanted you to know that I know it was my fault too… It was always my fault even though I blamed you. And I hope that you find joy in your life no matter where it takes you, because you deserve to be happy. So be happy. I’m no longer in your life to drag you along, and I’m sorry for doing so for so long. I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me.

    Sincerely,
    J

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    One Response to I’m Sorry for What Happened

    1. Syrene
      December 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

      I had a relationship JUST like this a few months back. If your initials weren’t J I would swear you were my ex




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