• Autumn is when I start dying too.

    by  • December 20, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    Fall is my favorite season of the year, but ever since you it’s a bitter sweet feeling. Why did you have to come into my life during the months I cherish most? My friends have ask me about you and I’m never sure what to say. So I don’t say much of anything at all. My friends they all know the truth. They tell me to stay away. They’ve tried convincing me that you’re terrible, that what you did to me doesn’t warrant forgiveness. But how can I keep my mind from wandering in your direction? You came from no where. You forced me to open my heart again. You gave me no choice. We kept to plan in the beginning. It was smooth sailings. Why did we have to make things so complicated? You always failed to see how your actions effected people. It wasn’t that you were self absorbed, more like a child oblivious to the world. I suppose I miss that now that I think of it. I remember the way your ice cold blue eyes would light up when we haven’t seen each other for periods of time. You’d grow a grin exposing your teeth kept hidden safely hidden behind your beautiful lips, then prance over to me to give me a suffocating hug. Do you do that with him now? Did you tell him about your darkest fears, how they hurt you? You said I was the first to hear of those. You said there was something about me that made you trust me. Is it any different now? Occasionally I see you on my turf. It makes me wonder why you’re there. We made eye contact that day. You got upset with me when I don’t say hello and just walked by. You told my friends that you hated me. I don’t understand your reasoning. But why can’t you understand mine? You’re the one who decided to leave. You’ve always been afraid of commitment. You were afraid of being tied down. Why did you tell me that you were falling for me and that’s what scared you?
    But I suppose I can’t get too upset. I was afraid of too many things myself. When we first started to see each other on a regular basis you told me that you wanted to keep things casual because you weren’t ready for a boyfriend. I agreed and pretended to be ok with that because I thought I could try to win you over. We started to see each other everyday, and you stayed the night too many times. One night I asked you about your apprehension and where our relationship was going. You told me about your ex and how close the two of you were. When I hear all of that I was hurt. You then asked me if I wanted to keep doing what we were doing and told me that you wanted to. You told me that you didn’t want to see anyone else and that you didn’t want me to either. I was confused about that. I didn’t know where you stood. But I decided to let my heart do the talking, even though it felt as if we weren’t on level footing. For a long time after this things were going great. Then the end of December came around. We started to have our ups and downs. We left for break and met each other’s parents. You were to leave on a ski trip with the university and you were pretty adamant for me to stay the night at your parent’s house before you left. But I didn’t. We had our big fight when you were on the trip, which was all my fault. I was being a little boy, jealous and angry. When we both got back home is when you told me that you were leaving me for someone else. It hurts that I had to find out you cheated through your sister.
    That’s why I still don’t know why I think of you on occasion. Why you’ve popped up in my dreams recently. It’s nearing two years since you’ve left. I thought I hated fall. But god, I suppose winter isn’t much better either.

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