Do you remember when I was sick and you fed me chipped ice and cuddled me? And when you were driving us home, we got food, and I made a comment about the smell getting to me, and you immediately offered to get rid of it even though you were hungry?
Do you remember when you were sick and I cleaned up the cabin so we could get home? And then sat with you in the doctor’s office, held your hand, and called your mother to give her updates even though I’m terrified of calling people? You were delusional and feverish and singing me the Weird Al parody of Lola when we were laying in your bed. We got in a disagreement about the lyrics and you insisted on playing it for me. And later, your mother thanked me for taking care of you and kissed me on the forehead. I think that was one of my favorite family moments.
Do you remember our New Year’s kiss? Your first? We were doing something on your laptop and I noticed the time and said, hey, it’s midnight. And you leaned over and kissed me. Do you remember the first time I told you I loved you (in person)? We were laying in bed, my head on your chest, and I said it so casually even though my heart was beating so quickly that I thought it would burst from my chest.
Do you remember my birthday? You baked me brownies and I drove home at an unholy speed to see you… we put together the Deathstar, and then took it downstairs to see if it worked. The stars lit up the room and I turned to you and said “it’s beautiful” … you pulled me into your arms and we danced to no music, underneath the stars.
I remember so much but I’m forgetting so much more and I’m afraid. I’m scared to forget you, I’m scared to forget the way you made me feel. I’m afraid I’ll never find it again and if I forget it then I’ll never even remember what it was like to have it. And it was goddamn beautiful, I. It was the most wonderful part of my life. I can’t forget something like that. I’m clinging to all the little details, trying to keep it alive in my mind. And it hurts, to live in the ghost of something that no longer exists. It hurts, knowing I’ll spend the rest of my life missing you. But I don’t know any other way. I don’t know anything else to do. I had you, I loved you, and I lost you. But I won’t forget you. I refuse to.