Only when you’re alone with nothing to lose do you realize that at a moment in time, you once had everything you could ever want. He was that for me. He was my everything. I’ll never forget him.
Everything about him struck me. His energy, the heat that radiated from his body, the gleam in his turquoise eyes, like a star i wished on over and over. He became the anthem of my life, a song that played in my head continuously, and I embraced it. I know with a definite certainty that I loved him. Oh, did I loved him.
When he’d walk into a room everything stood still. My heart would catch in my throat and I could taste this foreign desire that I had never prepared for. And it filled up every space in me.
That year I lost myself in him, and him in me. Our hearts that were always meant to be one finally intertwined into something so beautiful, you had to believe it was real.
Never have I been so infatuated with a man so perfect. I knew he was the only one for me, for who I was at the time. Skipping school just to lay in each other’s arms, naked, getting high off the euphoria of it all. The surrealness that wrapped around us was welcomed with open arms. The craving for each other pulled at our subconscious and demanded our attention, and we never fought it. We were young and obsessed with each other’s souls, hearts, bodies, and minds. I constantly craved him. We couldn’t get enough.
Nothing had ever tasted so decadent or felt so flawless and so right. I had never dove head first into anything without caution, but for this love, I did. He freed my soul and with him I flew up higher than I had ever been. And I was one hundred percent, holding nothing back and allowing him to devour and take in every piece of me. Being part of another person, someone’s other half, was both bewitching and terrifying, knowing that at any moment the strings of our hearts could break and we’d get sucked into separate black holes, maybe never ending up on the same side again. but we were thirsty, so we drank us up for as long as we could.
We laughed and cried and fought and made love and fucked and dreamt and learned and grew and lived and loved with everything we had. We soaked up all of it. The perfections and imperfections of one another. WE knew them. We hid nothing. We gave everything. Losing each other was the only thing we feared and we were the only things we had to lose.
And when fate came, he went. I walked down the dark, unfamiliar spaces in my heart that were once occupied by him. And the memories, all the memories. They play back in my head and replace the song he once was. And like the love we had, I can’t control it. Now and then I wipe off the dust on the pages of our story and read it cover to cover, suppressing feelings of longing and desire, a similar taste of the mirrored feelings before, but much darker. They torment me and it’s unbearable. He was home to me and although I memorized the smell of it, the feel of it, the warmth, and every step up to the door where you waited to kiss me on my mouth and carry me inside, I know it’s a home I can never come back to. The thought of it breaks me into a million little pieces, as numerous as the stars in the sky. And like the gleam in his eye that struck me so long ago, I wish on those million pieces of my broken heart over and over and over. Because I love him.