Before I say anything else, I want to say that I am sorry. I am sorry for the drama that has come from this whole event, and I realize that you must be feeling terrible. I have to admit that I did feed into it at first, being that I was extremely angry with you. However, that intense anger lasted only a few days and now I am left with different feelings. As you can imagine, things have been really rough for me, and although there are plenty of people here to help and support me, nothing really helps. Nothing makes me feel better, and nothing can change what has happened between us. I wake up every morning wishing that the whole thing was one big joke, that it wasn’t real life, and things could go back to the way they were. Even so, you need to know that I realize I was living a lie…or maybe you were….or maybe we both were. I was in the dark. And I am happy that I know the truth.
When everything first happened, I was in complete shock, and I’ll admit that I still kind of am. I just kept asking myself and everyone around me, “How could he do this to me? How could someone act like that?” My head was spinning and my heart felt like it was shattered into a million pieces. I felt like I didn’t even know you, like you weren’t the person I thought you were. It was like my best friend had died, because that person no longer existed in my eyes and the eyes of many other people. And being that I was so close to you for so long, this was a hard thing to accept. Almost impossible actually…to think that the past eight months of my life had been something completely different than what I thought they were. I thought I would be angry forever, and I would never be able to come to terms with everything. So basically, I was going through a series of three alternating emotions. I would be really really really angry for a while, and then I would be sad and cry, and then I would go completely numb like I couldn’t feel anything at all. My emotions were all over the place, like constant PMSing, and honestly I didn’t know how to feel. I’m just really upset about the whole thing, and I’ve been asking everyone if they think you are too. I hope you are. I hope you care.
Here’s the facts: Every person I know was telling me to forget you. To just forget it all ever happened and to move on with my life, because I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. They said you were a scumbag, that you were worthless, and I shouldn’t be worried, I should be happy that I got rid of that from my life. And to be honest I agreed with them, because I was so incredibly hurt. And I still am. No matter what, the fact will always be that you hurt me Justin. But then everyone started saying that I should never speak to you again. That I should completely block you out of my life, because that was the best option and in the long-run it would make me the happiest.
And here’s the one thing that I’ve been told repeatedly: you never loved me. You lied to get what you wanted and you never truly cared because this is not how you treat someone that you love. If this were true, it would mean that every time you said ‘I love you’ it was a lie, and every time you did something nice for me, or told me I was beautiful, or the time that you said you would be eternally happy if you were with me forever…it would mean they were all lies. I’ve listened to everyone’s reasons for thinking this, and I’ve heard people say over and over that sometimes people lie and live double-lives. I wish I could believe this, because maybe it would make things easier to understand.
We are two very different people who come from two very different places, and that was probably our number one problem. If I had to guess, I would say its part of the reason this whole thing happened. I was trying to make you what I thought you should be, and what I know you can be. But you weren’t happy about it, and you couldn’t understand why I wanted it so badly. You couldn’t handle being with me.
I want you to know that now I understand why.
I’m not mad at her. I just think she’s pathetic for letting you do this to her.
I’m not mad at you for reacting the way you did the day everything happened. I had never seen you act that way before, but I could see in your eyes that you had lost control. You were infuriated and that was it. The stories going around are ridiculous and I hope you know I did not say anything that is untrue, and I also did not do anything to your car.
The fact is, I don’t want to never talk to you again. I don’t want you to be completely removed from my life. You may have hurt me, but you did deserve me. I wanted you over everyone else Justin. You deserve to be loved and supported unconditionally. And I’m telling you right now, you deserve someone better than her.
I know that you loved me. I know that the times we had together and the feelings we shared were real. I can feel it. Everyone tells me otherwise, and everyone tells me that we are only 17 and nothing matters. That I have plenty of life left to fall in love again. But I don’t care. I don’t care how old we are, and I don’t care what anyone says. It wasn’t completely fake. You wouldn’t have stayed with me for so long if it was.
What you did to me was absolutely unacceptable. It is not okay. In any way. You know that.
I believe in you, just as I have since the day you came into my life.
I still care about you. I still love you. I always will.