Where do I START?!
I rock back and forward, much like you’d imagine a stereotypical “crazy” person to do.
I bite my fingers, wash my hands constantly, need to buy two of everything (one is “clean”, the other is for normal use), I have OCD, depression, BPD, DID (MPD), GID, anxiety, I don’t trust AT ALL and I’m numb because of my medication.
I literally can’t feel ANYTHING.
I have MANY OTHER problems, such as psychosis, paranoia, etc.
I self-harm by cutting and burning.
I’m trying to find the strength to not eat again so I can lose weight and not be so GOD-DAMNED FAT.
I’ve not got the internet anymore and I have to rely on my girlfriend’s computer to post this and do all the things I usually do online.
In the afternoon, after I leave I won’t have ANY contact with you all, or anyone else, for that matter.
I’ll be stuck with my ASSHOLE Mother and her husband and it’ll drive me insane like it ALWAYS DOES.
I’ll cut deeper and she’ll go, “Why do you do that?” when all I want to do is SCREAM in her face, “IT’S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!”
But I don’t because she’d kick my brother and I out and we’d literally be homeless.
It’s too expensive to live in a flat on our own but she and her husband WANT US OUT NOW.
How the fuck can we afford to live properly if you kick us out?
Then there’s the fact that I’ve got a MAJOR crush on a guy who has a garage next door (he goes there everyday to work on cars for drag races, but he lives somewhere else), and I don’t know what to do.
I want to at least be his friend, if nothing else.
But I’m so fucking SHY, it’s impossible!
I gave him a Christmas card yesterday, it took ALL I HAD to give it to him and now I’m to return today and I’m so SCARED he’ll get his friends to laugh at me or he’d been talking to my mother about it and I’m just so SCARED to go back in case I’m majorly embarrassed.
Every-time I come over here (to my girlfriends’ house), my mother accuses me of taking drugs!
I’m SO OVER IT and I’ve wanted to end it MORE THAN ONCE.
More than a hundred times, no lie!
I’m about to fucking be pushed over the fucking edge, I’m serious.
I can’t deal with this shit anymore.
I’m PANSEXUAL, by the way, NOT BISEXUAL.
Yes, I’m a guy.
To Jamie, (the guy whose garage is next door),
I wish we could talk or something, but I’m too afraid of what you think of me already.
I’m terrified at the idea of talking to you first just in case you wouldn’t want me to (and with my mind, that’s VERY likely).
I like you, A LOT.
I know you’ve got a girl, but I don’t give a damn.
I also don’t care about our age difference.
Oh well, whatever.