• One promise too late…

    by  • December 14, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 0 Comments

    I’ve always heard that if you can’t get someone out of your mind, maybe they are supposed to be there…but how can that be? Why do you have to be this amazing person? Why couldn’t you just be this arrogant asshole? I could hate you then…I’m sure of it. But instead, you are this wonderful amazing man that would give the shirt off his back or the last dime he had to help somebody else. And damnit…you’ve made a liar out of me or proved me wrong…proved that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve always said a man and a woman can be just friends and nothing more…I’ve always been able to have those types of friendships, those relationships with guys before. Some of my best friends are guys. Hell, as a teenager, the majority of my friends were guys. So how is it that you are so different? Is it because you have always been there for me whenever I needed you? But again, other guys have been there for me all throughout my life…and I do love them…but it’s that sisterly-brotherly kind of love. You listen to me….really listen to me…and that means a lot…more than you will ever know. You’re quick to throw me under the bus when I need it or set me straight when I’m wrong. When we first met, I just knew that we would become best friends but I never imagined I would fall in love with you. I have loved you for so long now; it’s hard to think back to a time when I didn’t love you this way. I don’t want to love you…there is absolutely nothing that can possibly come from it but just so much hurt. I have fought it for so long, tried so hard to change the way I feel. It would be so much easier if I could…but I’ve figured out that it’s hopeless. I guess sometimes the heart wants what it wants…even when it knows it’s impossible.

    She would be so hurt, so angry with me if she knew the truth of my feelings for you. God knows, I couldn’t blame her for that. I hate myself because of it. I mean, what kind of friend falls in love with her best friend’s man? That’s why I decided that I might not be able to control the way I feel about you, but I could control what I chose to do about it. I decided that nobody would ever know the truth of it all…not even you. I figured as long as I kept my feelings to myself, nobody would have to hurt except me, which is exactly the way it should be. And I was okay with that. I figured I deserved to hurt.

    Ten months ago yesterday, you really threw me for a loop. When you pulled me into your arms that day and kissed me, my heart soared and then shattered into a million little pieces. I never in my wildest dreams expected that from you. You had never let on a single time that you ever thought about me along those lines. But that kiss…whew! Definitely not the way you kiss a friend. And God help me…I wanted it so badly. I allowed myself to get lost in that kiss for just a few bittersweet moments. But then reality came crashing in and I pulled away, told you we couldn’t do that to her. Damn you!!! You showed me how sweet it could be…there in your arms…lost in your kiss. That moment in time has haunted me so. I hate myself for it but damnit I miss you. I want to be with you, just share the everyday ups and downs of life with you. I long for your company…I ache for the feeling of your arms wrapped around me, holding me close. A few months back, when I finally got the nerve up to ask you what was in it for you, all you could tell me was that you didn’t know. I say BULLSHIT! A man doesn’t kiss a woman the way you kissed me and not know what he’s feeling, what he’s hoping for, what it is that he wants. I mean, even if you were just hoping to get lucky…and I don’t believe for one minute that you are that kind of man…I just wish you would be honest with me. I can’t help but wonder if you ever think of me the way I think about you. Do you ever wish things could be different for us? Do you ache from longing for me the way I do you? Do you ever think about that kiss, about what if felt like to kiss me?

    We both belong to someone else and that’s not gonna change, but I’m sorry…I refuse to give up our friendship. I know that I can’t have you the way I truly want you in my life, but I can’t give you up completely either. As painful as it is, I am always here for you, my friend. If you ever need me, just say the word and you know I’ll be there. I love you; I can’t deny that…but we just found each other one promise too late…

    Just your friend…forevermore…

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