I was reading my new issue of Cosmo earlier, the one with Carly Rae Jepsen on the cover. Toward the back there was a story of a girl and her best friend and how amazing there friendship was until it went south. As I kept reading, your name kept flashing in my head. That story was us, but with different events, with the same soon to be result.
I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, ‘I spend more time thinking I miss this and that. Oh, and this joke C said was so hilarious. Or how we bonded over a few common interests.’ Every thought being in the past tense. Instead of OMG, C said this earlier today and we laughed so hard together and we had this shared common interest today too. Then a sentence out of the story popped in my head, “that’s when I realized she wasn’t my friend anymore.” My heart felt so heavy. I’ve spent the past month or so thinking it will get better. I just have to try one more time. Or give him more space. But I finally realized… you’re not my friend anymore. And now my eyes are filling with tears and my heart is getting heavier.
I know a lot of people don’t understand the connection we have… or had. But I do… or did. Regardless it makes me sad. I feel as though I’m grieving for you as if you just died. I guess in a sense you did when I read that story in Cosmo.
I want to do the same thing the girl did in the story, that was in my place. I want to tell you I need space, which really means we can’t be friends anymore. But I know I can’t do that with you. Yes, the girl in the story had a low blow to say back to her friend. Yes, I know you will too. But it will be the lowest of blows if I had that talk with you. And that’s something I don’t want to put myself through. And that’s why I’m here writing a letter I will never send. I’m scared of you. I can’t be myself. I can’t say the things I want to say in any situation. I can’t just dork out like I can with my other friends. The same friends you make me feel guilty about.
So many things have gone wrong and for a long time I just over-looked it. But now it just hurts to much. Yes, I should share part of the blame. For allowing you to have power over me. For not using my voice. I let you do those things to me. And for that I take responsibility for.
I just know for me, it’s going to hurt for a while. I knew what we HAD. I need to keep reminding myself of that. It’s what we HAD. Past tense. As in over, gone, dunzo. Difficult thing is I still want to fight what I just realized. It’s going to take some time. But I will be ok.
I just wish I could tell you one last time… how much I really loved you as a friend. How much I adored you, cared for you, and how much I’m going to miss you. I really do wish you the best. I even wish things were different. But as a couple close friends of mine say, “it is what it is.” I just have to move on and I will………