You said something today that made me realize it’s over. “We never talked.”
It made me incredibly livid. I felt such anger at that you said that and then shut off your computer. Believe me, I know. I KNOW we never talked. You have made it clear time and time again that we haven’t talked. I fucking know what to say if I need to. I’m not stupid and I don’t want to make this worse for you.
In a way, I’m glad you said it. I’m glad I felt anger, even if it’s completely irrational to feel it since I know your situation and what I caused in your life. I told you that I needed to be angry at you for self preservation. I need to feel anger towards you to forget you.
Seeing “we never talked” written by you again makes your words into a reality. We will not be speaking. I’m done pretending we can have it both ways, even if you never had that pretense in mind. We are no more. Our friendship is gone, our love is gone… all that is left is this weird co-worker awkwardness. I will remain civil and professional but for your sake and mine, we will have no correspondence from this point forward. I can’t handle the idea of you lying while trying to start a new life and I’m not content to be your lie.
I love you, M. I love you as a best friend, as a lover, as a gf, as a partner, but those feelings will be pushed down and replaced with distance tomorrow. I need out. I need away from you. I need you to be happy and have your house in the woods and your family dinners without me. I need so many things but at this point, nothing I need can have anything to do with you, your support or your love.
It’s ridiculous that I’m this upset knowing what is going on with you and all the pain I’ve caused, but I am. I can’t wait to escape you. I want to be free of your presence. I want to be free of mutual friends and acquaintances. I don’t want to hear your excuses of why you can’t be around me.
I need to fall out of love with you. I make this promise to myself.
By Jan. 2nd you will be a fond memory and nothing more. Our closeness and intimacy will be gone. We will be nothing but people sitting near each other at work. I don’t want to forget you, but I have to, for both of us.
First step first… I need to muster enough strength and willpower to shut you off, to brick wall you. If I cared about you ever, which I do so intensely, I will do this for you… and for me.
“Then unto forever, just one kiss”
If only I had listened to your first LINS.
Goodbye forever, M. Goodbye to my best friend and the love of my life. Literally the love of my life. Goodbye.