Our talk on Tuesday was a bit much much for me. Your verbal abuse has taken its toll on me. Sue came over yesterday. I seen the results she had within her. When Sue started talking I listened to her. She finished and ask me what do you think Angela? I started to say well maybe you should add a dash of neutralizer. Then out of now where you shout no no no too many chemicals is not needed. It reminded me of a previous conversation with Sasha. Our conversation was spoken with mutual TRUST~LOVE and RESPECT! Sasha is my saving Grace for life itself. She boosts me up I beat myself up. I learned how to beat myself up quite well from you Tony :(!
As you shouted a felt belittled, meaningless and ugly! I let you make me feel like this with the way you throw your words around. Sasha is working with me on how to rewire that thinking :)!
I excused myself politely and left you two to finish the conversation. I went to the bathroom and balled like the biggest drama queen ever. Then I felt this urge :(. From there I thought well its better than my stainless steel table thoughts. Aka Suicide! I thought of Sasha that instant. I fumbled with my phone wanting to call her. I knew she was at work. I didn’t want to burden her she already does above and beyond to help me. So I cry in despair feeling like there is no way out. That urge spikes in its intensity. I figured I was there in the bathroom. Many months ago I ask you Tony for help in making sure that your shaving kit was out of my reach. At the Tony all the help you would give me was amazing. Lately though I guess its taken a toll on you and ask me to either do it or don’t ask you for help. I understood. So now that the urge to control at least one thing in my life was so intense it turned into a crave that needed filled. Like a P.M.S. raging woman needing chocolate right there and then. I look in the medicine cabinet and there sat six shiny stainless steel razors. I tremble at the site of them. The tears fall even faster knowing how wrong it was. The battle begins. My thoughts fight with each other.
“I hear over and over call Sasha NOW no the razor feels good no Sasha means safety! Sasha said you can call anytime. You know she deeply meant it. You know as soon as she can she’ll call you back in a heart beat.”
Over and over I hear it. It gets louder and louder and I snap! The razor won :(! When I came to it was too late as the blood slowly ran down my arm. When the euphoria wore off I was a total mind frame different person. I quickly clean up. Then bleach everything clean. I finally look at the superficial wounds. Then I think this MUST stop. One slip and I would be the stainless steel table’s guest. I roll my sleeve over the clotting slices. It burns bad but these are the consequences I pay for my weak irresponsibility. I come out of the bathroom and join the conversation. I look at you and think you’ll never notice. This sick cycle needs to go away again. I put it away for over ten months I pray I that this urge doesn’t come back soon.
URGE PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM ME PLEASE! I snap and the choice I make are made from weakness! Thank you!