I feel like a coward.
A coward, because I have fallen into the same, stupid trap. I’m heartbroken, with emotions so severe that I’ve fallen back into self-harm, and I don’t even know if I’ve been rejected.
Two years together. We broke up because of the distance. New lives and new experiences at college, something that didn’t need the stress of a relationship added to it. I thought we could test the waters, and perhaps be together again after learning the basics of managing higher education.
We met during fall break. We laughed and told stories, about new friends and new activities, difficult classes and living away from home. I almost didn’t bring it up, because you wouldn’t mention it either. Nothing about you indicated you wanted to mention the relationship we had, the one we agreed to talk about before we even left.
As you stood to walk away, I asked you to wait. I wanted to know your thoughts about ‘us.’ Where we stood. I wanted you to say yes, because I missed you terribly, still loved you and wanted to be together despite the distance. But I wouldn’t mind if you said no, because at least I could stop worrying about whether we would be together or not. The worry over whether your feelings remained, whether we had a future, was tearing me inside, and I just wanted an answer.
“I think now isn’t a good time. But we can talk about it, after the semester, or during the summer.”
And like that, you were gone again. I had no answer. I was back at square one. I still loved you and missed you, and I still had no idea whether we had a chance at love again. I went back to school with a heavy heart.
And now, with the semester coming to a close, I know I can’t wait any more. Frustration about my feelings, and a lack of any confirmation from you, have driven me back into dangerous habits that I swore I would never do again. I would wait if I could, let us finish our first year before we dive into anything serious again, but I can’t. For my own sanity and safety, I can’t.
I need to speak with you. I need an answer. ‘Yes.’ Wonderful, let us love each other even from a distance. That would make me the happiest girl in the world. ‘No.’ It hurts, but now I can move on with my life, and deal with the grief of heartbreak.
I can’t handle not knowing. I could see us together, married, growing old, doing everything the tales have taught us to expect from romance, and even the less glamorous reality of fights and stress, if you wanted to give long distance a try. But if you didn’t care about me that way, I could understand. College is busy, your life is inevitably full of many things that a relationship would take time from.
But please, just say something. Don’t tell me now isn’t the time. I need an answer. I need finality. I can’t stay in this state of maybe-heartbreak, with enough hope not to move on, and enough worry to put me through the pain of rejection.
I don’t know if you love me, and it’s killing me.