• Wishing You the Best

    by  • December 9, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 5 Comments

    I knew it was foolish to let impatience get the best of me. My mind — you know, the one that likes to overthink itself to death — just grew so dark with doubt and love was all I wanted. I figured she and I were finished, and the smoldering hole in my chest was begging to be filled and stitched. And so I found you: my second love.

    And indeed, it was love. I don’t throw that word around like many do today, and I am sure you know that. I would have done anything for you and I did my best to prove it to you. At times I felt under appreciated, sure, but I knew you loved me, too and I was willing to risk it all for you. I didn’t care about your flaws or the reasons you hated yourself and was sure I’d hate you, too. I didn’t run away because of anything that had to do with you whatsoever.

    I ran because we were not meant to be, even though at the time I did not know that was my real reason.

    God has His plans which He executes in His perfect timing. Me? I jumped ship and went trying to fulfill His will for me when in reality I should have just been patient and waited for what I already *knew* deep down He intended for me, no matter how that whole situation went down. And in that pursuit, I found you, the love I was never meant to find.

    My heart is too delicate to bear the weight of multiple loves. I know, sounds a little weird to describe the heart of a guy, but that’s my best adjective. After I broke up with you, the pain rushed in like a crumbled dam and swept away everything in its wake. Two lost loves was too much and I just watched all I knew float far, far away. What hurt me the most? The pain I caused you, which lasted for months. That pain shot down my attempts at reconciliation, and our pain just fed off of each other. Neither heart able to find peace.

    Now, after all this time, neither of us really knows how the other is doing. We haven’t spoken in months, which is probably for the best. She came back to me, that first love of mine, and God has shown the purpose of patience and the power of prayer. It took nearly four years, but here we are, together. And together is where we will stay.

    Yet I still can’t help but think of you, thanks to that curse of love. Still wondering how you are, what you are doing, and whether or not you have forgiven me yet. I’d heard a little while ago that you had not and that saddens me. Not for the sake of my pride, but because I wish you nothing but bliss without any hindrance or obstacle, including a grudge such as that. I truly am sorry for all the negative affects my presence (and absence) in your life has caused. You deserve to best that life can offer, and I hope you find it someday, if you haven’t already.

    Indeed, I have learned many lessons from our time together, and I thank you for all you’ve taught me. I know that our interactions with each other came to an end with our last conversation back in April, but you are still in my prayers.


    5 Responses to Wishing You the Best

    1. anonymous
      December 10, 2012 at 7:24 pm

      If you were my ex, I would tell you to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine!

    2. N
      December 10, 2012 at 7:48 pm

      Probably a good thing I’m not your ex then. :-p

    3. anonymous
      December 11, 2012 at 1:30 am

      Yes, thank God, I could never handle all this psycho-babble, anyways…

      Men I think, think much differently than women, we have to care and rear the young while you boys get to explore your ‘hearts’ or other body parts…

      Hope she understands, although I doubt she will…

      I just thought I would save her the trouble by telling you myself.

      Just a tip, don’t every have this conversation with this ‘girl’, make up a pretty little lie or never talk to her again, and tell her you’re a ‘jerk’.

      If this is your heart, please don’t show here, It sounds more like explaining away your bad actions…

      I know I ‘sound’ crass, but I think you would be ‘very’ surprised if you ever met me in person…

    4. anonymous
      December 11, 2012 at 1:32 am

      Oops! Also, please don’t blame God for this! I don’t think he would approve.

    5. N
      December 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm

      Which is why I came here instead of telling her. I doubt it would go over well. I see her around school every so often but that’s about it. We just kinda go our separate ways which, as I’ve said, is probably for the best.

      Not sure I agree with that statement regarding the differences between men and women. At least not entirely. But perhaps it’s the whole “exception to the rule” sorta thing. I dunno. Not exactly great with expressing myself, especially through writing as you can probably tell. Still… an outlet is an outlet, yeah?

      And never meant to suggest that I blamed God for anything. Just trying to say that I didn’t exactly wait for Him to act lol.

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