I knew it was foolish to let impatience get the best of me. My mind — you know, the one that likes to overthink itself to death — just grew so dark with doubt and love was all I wanted. I figured she and I were finished, and the smoldering hole in my chest was begging to be filled and stitched. And so I found you: my second love.
And indeed, it was love. I don’t throw that word around like many do today, and I am sure you know that. I would have done anything for you and I did my best to prove it to you. At times I felt under appreciated, sure, but I knew you loved me, too and I was willing to risk it all for you. I didn’t care about your flaws or the reasons you hated yourself and was sure I’d hate you, too. I didn’t run away because of anything that had to do with you whatsoever.
I ran because we were not meant to be, even though at the time I did not know that was my real reason.
God has His plans which He executes in His perfect timing. Me? I jumped ship and went trying to fulfill His will for me when in reality I should have just been patient and waited for what I already *knew* deep down He intended for me, no matter how that whole situation went down. And in that pursuit, I found you, the love I was never meant to find.
My heart is too delicate to bear the weight of multiple loves. I know, sounds a little weird to describe the heart of a guy, but that’s my best adjective. After I broke up with you, the pain rushed in like a crumbled dam and swept away everything in its wake. Two lost loves was too much and I just watched all I knew float far, far away. What hurt me the most? The pain I caused you, which lasted for months. That pain shot down my attempts at reconciliation, and our pain just fed off of each other. Neither heart able to find peace.
Now, after all this time, neither of us really knows how the other is doing. We haven’t spoken in months, which is probably for the best. She came back to me, that first love of mine, and God has shown the purpose of patience and the power of prayer. It took nearly four years, but here we are, together. And together is where we will stay.
Yet I still can’t help but think of you, thanks to that curse of love. Still wondering how you are, what you are doing, and whether or not you have forgiven me yet. I’d heard a little while ago that you had not and that saddens me. Not for the sake of my pride, but because I wish you nothing but bliss without any hindrance or obstacle, including a grudge such as that. I truly am sorry for all the negative affects my presence (and absence) in your life has caused. You deserve to best that life can offer, and I hope you find it someday, if you haven’t already.
Indeed, I have learned many lessons from our time together, and I thank you for all you’ve taught me. I know that our interactions with each other came to an end with our last conversation back in April, but you are still in my prayers.