Every time I really let myself feel how deeply I feel for you, I get terrified. I get this terrifically huge anxiety that sinks deeper and deeper into the pit of my heart. Not for any reason but fear. There’s nothing founded. Just irrational fear.
We’ve been together almost 8 months now and in that time I have come to realize the kind of relationship I should have had. I realize how my past, longest relationship was a sham. Unhealthy and soul numbing.
You are a man who loves me, truly. Who supports my choices. Who has an adventurous spirit. Who loves his family and his friends and embraces mine. A man with convictions and wants, a man who isn’t afraid of commitment or settling down. Who can openly talk about wanting kids or moving back to the Connecticut suburbs to raise a family. Who knows what he wants.
And yet all these good things, once I really let myself feel the love I have for you, I start the “what ifs”. This is something I’ve been amazing at since I was a teenager.
What if you suddenly don’t find me appealing anymore?
What if you go back to doing the hard drugs you experimented with in college because some of your friends still do?
What if you find another girl who is better?
What if your quirkiness becomes annoying to me?
What if you break my heart?
What if what if what if, all without ANY proof of any of these things happening. Just worry. and fear. Because I’ve been there before. a 4 year relationship that went swiftly to hell in the last year and a half. And yet I held on, thinking we could fix it, until it was too broken to even see what it used to be.
I am so scared of that happening with you, because you are far and away a better man than he was, without question. And I think it would hurt much more with you.
And the longer we are together, the greater the risk of pain in the future.
But I just want it to shutup, shutup so I can just love you. No worries, no fear, no anxiety. Because when I feel just the love… it’s overwhelming, warm, completing. And I know if I let myself feel it 100%, it might be even greater than my love in the past.
It might be greater than the both of us.